First
we had Pierre Trudeau’s kid Justin becoming the leader of the federal Liberals
and now we have Brian Mulroney’s daughter Caroline aiming to head up the
Ontario provincial Tories. Luckily for her, her old man is still around to share
his wealth of political expertise:
My
dearest Caroline,
You’ve warmed the cockles of this old
Irishman’s heart by deciding to take up the family business. It’s not that I’m
disappointed or embarrassed by Ben’s TV antics but, let’s face it, you can’t
get rich hosting an entertainment show.
Anyway, darling daughter, I’m thrilled
that I’m still kicking so that you can benefit from my years of experience. To
that end, here are just a few pearls of wisdom that I’m passing on to you:
* Avoid keeping envelopes of cash lying
around. Of course there’s nothing wrong with owning cash but, if you choose to
do so, make sure it’s not traceable. If you do goof up, it’s been my experience
that if you declare half of it to the CRA, that should suffice.
* If you end up needing a plane for the
campaign trail, I strongly recommend that you not rent an Airbus. They’re
perfectly good planes but, take it from me, it wouldn’t be wise to associate
the name Mulroney with Airbus.
* Don’t touch the sales tax; it’s the third
rail of Canadian politics. Just to be safe, stay away from anything ending in
“ST” unless you’re just switching your clocks back to standard time.
* Here’s a little tip if you do happen to
become Tory leader and then premier of Ontario. Hopefully you win two
majorities like your sainted father but if after that you see a disaster looming
on the horizon, bail out sooner rather than later. Then you can retire as a
great success and hang the inevitable subsequent defeat on your successor. You
could give Kim Campbell a call for more details but don’t be surprised if she hangs
up.
* Whenever you get a chance to sing “When
Irish Eyes Are Smiling” for a U. S. president, go for it even if it’s Donald
Trump. Embarrassing as it might be, it’s always a good idea to have one of
those guys in your back pocket.
* If you become provincial leader, make sure
the party pays you a little something extra every year for your service. Again,
envelopes of cash are perfectly acceptable so long as you don’t broadcast it to
every Tom, Dick and Karlheinz. On the other hand, you might prefer that your
supporters anonymously donate cheques to a bank account for your use only.
* Avoid ostentatious quasi-royalty-style
living; the voters don’t seem to care for it. Don’t tell your mother but she
could serve as your role model for what not to do.
* If someone says “constitutional reform”,
run for the hills. Much as I wanted to put the screws to old Trudeau, I
wouldn’t touch that dossier again for an entire pile of cash-filled envelopes.
* Be careful about unplanned witticisms. I’m
not saying that “there’s no whore like an old whore” didn’t fit Bryce Mackasey to
a T but, given the subsequent irony, I wish I hadn’t said it.
Love,
Brian
a.k.a. Dad
P.
S. – I’ve attached a brown envelope with a little something for your campaign.
Don’t thank me; thank Uncle Wafid.
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