Sunday, February 18, 2018

Mulligans for Trump

     Tony Perkins, the leader of the evangelical organization Family Research Council, said that Donald Trump gets a “mulligan” regarding his affair with the porn star Stormy Daniels. What Mr. Perkins didn’t say was what additional excuses he and other evangelicals will have to come up with for other moral infractions by President Trump. Excuses like:
      Evangelicals tend not to look kindly on divorce. For the thrice-married Trump, this should be a problem. However, with the implementation of the new marital “do-over”, he should be off the hook, at least for now.
     Last time I checked, vanity was a Christian sin and Donald Trump’s magical hair is nothing, if not vain. But all is forgiven with the granting of one or more “comb-overs.”
     Like the “do-over”, a “re-do” will grant Trump forgiveness for his cursing, swearing and intemperate use of language. This will allow him to overcome his use of everything from the “f”-word to “s**thole.”
     “Mulroney” is not just the name of one of Canada’s most despised prime ministers. It’s also a synonym for “mulligan.” So if evangelical Christians worry about overusing “mulligan” for Trump’s past or future sexual indiscretions, they can always use “Mulroney” in its place.
     You’ve made two failed golf shots in a row? Then the second one is called a “dubligan.” This might be handy for those instances where Mr. Trump grabbed some woman by the “pussy” or otherwise sexually assaulted her.
     A “Sullivan” is a “mulligan” in an academic or financial context. For Mr. Trump, that means a corporate do-over in the form of a bankruptcy. This term can be used as often as required as in “We grant Mr. Trump a ‘Sullivan’ on his latest corporate bankruptcy.”
     Named after Bill Clinton for his huge number of forgiven blown golf shots, “Billigan” might easily apply to Donald Trump’s never-ending series of lies. Although Christians don’t usually countenance lying, perhaps they could let them slide if they are actually “Donigans.”
     “Ott” (or “over the top”) is forgiveness for repeated exaggeration. When Trump claims his Inaugural crowd was the biggest ever or that he is the smartest person he knows or that he’s the least racist, evangelicals can overlook his transgressions by granting him one or more “otts.”
     Whether it’s collusion with Russia or some questionable financial dealing verging on fraud or money laundering, evangelicals will need something to give Mr. Trump continued passes. When the talk in Washington turns to impeachment, they can just grant him a “Putin” or two.

     Finally, there’s the ultimate sin-cleansing device: WWJD or “What would Jesus do?” No matter how bad the sin or how nasty the sinner, all he needs to do is repent and everything will be forgiven. When Trump hits his moral nadir, so long as he asks for forgiveness, he can be granted a “WWJD”, otherwise known as a “St. Augustine.”

No comments: