Ladies and gentlemen and boxing fans from coast to coast, welcome to the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and tonight’s featured 12-round WBC match for the prestigious title of America’s First Lady.
In the blue rinse corner, weighing in at an unspecified-but-still-svelte-for-her-age poundage is the three-time Trump mother, the undisputed first Trump wife, the Czech Checker, the Mouth from Manhattan……IVANA TRUMP!
And in the auburn corner, still at her modeling days weight, a one-time Trump mother and uncontested current Trump trophy wife, the Slovenian Slammer, the Queen of High Heels……MELANIA TRUMP!
Ivana Trump was married to Donald Trump for fifteen years and bore him three children: Ivanka, Eric and Don, Jr. Her record for spousal longevity and Trump issue production is unmatched. Notwithstanding her lengthy absence from the matrimonial bed, she still claims rights as the first First Lady.
Although Melania Trump has only been married to The Donald for twelve years and has produced just one son, she is currently recognized as the official First Lady by most boxing federations and a majority of electoral college voters.
There’s the bell and the two competitors are circling one another in the center of the ring. Ivana is wearing a light blue, two-piece pantsuit and Melania is resplendent in a knee-length cream-colored designer creation with a daring bold red sash.
And there’s the first attack of the night. Ivana cleverly concedes Melania’s status as First Lady but immediately asserts her claim to be the first First Lady as Donald Trump’s first spouse.
Melania appears stunned by this initial blow and seems taken by surprise. However, she quickly recovers and counters with her continuous record of First Lady activities and ongoing First Lady recognition.
It looks like Melania is going to continue her defensive stance. But, no, she shocks Ivana, takes the offensive and accuses her of trivializing the situation.
Ivana is momentarily rocked as she clearly did not expect the low blow to her standing. This is a bit surprising given Melania’s reputation for questionable tactics such as speech plagiarizing and her infamous “locker room talk” defense.
Not to be outdone, the cagey veteran Ivana Trump goes into a clinch with Melania in order to buy some time and recover. The referee forces the fighters to break and Ivana once again goes on the offensive by denying she ever claimed to be first First Lady and hitting Melania with a hard one-two punch charging her with both overreaction and misrepresentation.
It looks like Melania is faltering and might have to concede the match. But now she’s bringing out her best weapon: her claim to be the anti-bullying expert. At first Ivana is confused but eventually recovers and undercuts her opponent’s claim with the incontestable observation that Melania needs to apply her anti-bullying abilities against her own husband – the Bully-in-Chief.
And there’s the final bell; the 12th round is over. Despite a number of punishing exchanges, there was no knockout punch and so the decision remains in the hands of the three judges.
Judge Neil Gorsuch of the U. S. Supreme Court acknowledges his debt to the president and scores the bout a clear win for Melania. Judge and former First Lady Hillary Clinton, feeling sympathy for both fighters, calls it a draw. And Judge Donald Trump, looking to avoid a night on the sofa, awards the fight to his third wife.
The referee raises Melania’s bejeweled hand and declares her the official First Lady and still champion trophy wife. Ivana looks beaten and worn down but a sparkle in her unswollen right eye suggests there will be a rematch.