Ladies and gentlemen
and boxing fans from coast to coast, welcome to the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and
tonight’s featured 12-round WBC match for the prestigious title of America’s
First Lady.
In the blue rinse
corner, weighing in at an unspecified-but-still-svelte-for-her-age poundage is
the three-time Trump mother, the undisputed first Trump wife, the Czech
Checker, the Mouth from Manhattan……IVANA TRUMP!
And in the auburn
corner, still at her modeling days weight, a one-time Trump mother and
uncontested current Trump trophy wife, the Slovenian Slammer, the Queen of High
Heels……MELANIA TRUMP!
Ivana Trump was married
to Donald Trump for fifteen years and bore him three children: Ivanka, Eric and
Don, Jr. Her record for spousal longevity and Trump issue production is
unmatched. Notwithstanding her lengthy absence from the matrimonial bed, she
still claims rights as the first First Lady.
Although Melania Trump
has only been married to The Donald for twelve years and has produced just one
son, she is currently recognized as the official First Lady by most boxing
federations and a majority of electoral college voters.
There’s the bell and
the two competitors are circling one another in the center of the ring. Ivana
is wearing a light blue, two-piece pantsuit and Melania is resplendent in a
knee-length cream-colored designer creation with a daring bold red sash.
And there’s the first
attack of the night. Ivana cleverly concedes Melania’s status as First Lady but
immediately asserts her claim to be the first First Lady as Donald Trump’s
first spouse.
Melania appears stunned
by this initial blow and seems taken by surprise. However, she quickly recovers
and counters with her continuous record of First Lady activities and ongoing
First Lady recognition.
It looks like Melania
is going to continue her defensive stance. But, no, she shocks Ivana, takes the
offensive and accuses her of trivializing the situation.
Ivana is momentarily rocked
as she clearly did not expect the low blow to her standing. This is a bit
surprising given Melania’s reputation for questionable tactics such as speech
plagiarizing and her infamous “locker room talk” defense.
Not to be outdone, the
cagey veteran Ivana Trump goes into a clinch with Melania in order to buy some
time and recover. The referee forces the fighters to break and Ivana once again
goes on the offensive by denying she ever claimed to be first First Lady and
hitting Melania with a hard one-two punch charging her with both overreaction
and misrepresentation.
It looks like Melania
is faltering and might have to concede the match. But now she’s bringing out
her best weapon: her claim to be the anti-bullying expert. At first Ivana is
confused but eventually recovers and undercuts her opponent’s claim with the
incontestable observation that Melania needs to apply her anti-bullying
abilities against her own husband – the Bully-in-Chief.
And there’s the final
bell; the 12th round is over. Despite a number of punishing
exchanges, there was no knockout punch and so the decision remains in the hands
of the three judges.
Judge Neil Gorsuch of the U. S. Supreme
Court acknowledges his debt to the president and scores the bout a clear win
for Melania. Judge and former First Lady Hillary Clinton, feeling sympathy for
both fighters, calls it a draw. And Judge Donald Trump, looking to avoid a
night on the sofa, awards the fight to his third wife.
The referee raises
Melania’s bejeweled hand and declares her the official First Lady and still
champion trophy wife. Ivana looks beaten and worn down but a sparkle in her unswollen
right eye suggests there will be a rematch.
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