Spicey's New Briefings

     In the ongoing war between President Donald Trump’s press secretary and the media, Sean Spicer has gone on the offensive by prohibiting cameras from daily press briefings. This is just the latest salvo in the increasingly testy relationship between him and the White House press corps.

     Spicer has since escalated the war by refusing to release the recordings of audio-only briefings until after they have concluded. But it appears that this is just the latest step in a confrontation that threatens to escalate further.

     Seldom reliable sources have revealed the White House’s latest plans regarding upcoming briefings:

Brief briefings

     Sean Spicer will reportedly shut down press briefings earlier and earlier until there are no questions at all. Spicer blames the “fake news” for abusing the process and extending the gatherings to interminable and outrageous lengths. “It’s right in the name,” claims Spicer. “They’re press briefings not press lengthenings and some reporters are making a mockery of the whole process by asking more than one question.”

“I can’t hear you!” briefings

     Plans are in the works to simply ignore reporters in the Briefing Room. “Since they’re not interested in the truth and only want to spread lies,” says Spicer. “There’s no reason I should pay any attention to them at all.” Spicer reportedly plans to use the old time-tested schoolyard tactic of placing his hands over his ears and repeatedly yelling “I can’t hear you!” “I can’t hear you!”

Smoke signals briefings

     White House staffers claim that the rapid give and take of questioning during press briefings tends to confuse people, particularly Sean Spicer. To slow down the communication process and to clarify the President’s messages, press briefings will soon be conducted by means of smoke signals only.

Shark cage briefings

     White House maintenance workers are hard at work building a cage to enclose Mr. Spicer during his press briefings. The cage will prevent reporters from throwing items at Spicer or from physically assaulting him. “It hasn’t happened yet,” the Press Secretary said. “But the level of animosity of these left-leaning liars is off the charts and we just want to let the American people see what we’re up against here.” Presumably cameras will be allowed for these sessions.

The nuclear option

     The Trump team has made it clear that they have not ruled out the nuclear option. If necessary, that means handing over the press room podium to whoever can best baffle the assembled media representatives, whether it be Energy Secretary Rick Perry, HUD Secretary Ben Carson or Attorney General Jeff Sessions. If all else fails, rumor has it that the Administration will not hesitate to give over the briefings to its Queen of the Pivot: Kellyanne Conway.