New Press Secretary Questionnaire

     Well, it’s finally official. Sean Spicer is out and Sarah Huckabee Sanders is in. Rumors had abounded for weeks that President Trump had lost confidence in his press secretary and was looking to replace him. So it was not surprising to see the recent chain of events leading to the appointment of Sanders as press secretary and Antony Scaramucci as White House communications director, particularly given that anonymous sources within the administration had already earlier leaked the following job questionnaire:

THE WHITE HOUSE

NEW PRESS SECRETARY QUESTIONNAIRE

NAME:   ___________________

AGE:  ____

SEX:  Male ___   Female  ____

PARTY AFFILIATION:  Republican  _____  Other  _____ (if “Other”, dispose of questionnaire in nearest wastebasket)

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH TWITTER?  Yes  ___  No  ___  (if “No”, this is not the job for you)

DO YOU BELIEVE PRESIDENT TRUMP REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE SAYS?  Yes  ___  No  ___  Maybe  ___  (only “Yes” respondents need continue; “Maybe” just doesn’t cut it even if the President issues contradictory statements or tweets)

CAN YOU BE LOYAL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP?  Absolutely  ___  You betcha  ____  So long as he is honest and loyal to me  ____  (We want to see both the first and second entries checked off; if the third one is chosen, you’re clearly not a  Trump team player)

DO YOU LIKE THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA?  Yes, so long as they’re fair to the President  ____  Yes, if it’s FOX News  ____  No, I hate the fake news including the New York Times, the Washington Post and CNN  ____  (any response is acceptable; extra marks for choosing all three)

DO YOU BEAR ANY RESEMBLANCE TO MELISSA MCCARTHY?  Yes  ____  No  ____

(a “Yes” answer is disqualifying unless maybe you’re Sarah Huckabee Sanders or Melissa McCarthy herself)

DO YOU MIND WORKING IN THE DARK BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY?  Yes  ____  No  ____  (if “Yes”, best to look elsewhere)

IF A REPORTER RAISES THE ISSUE OF POSSIBLE COLLUSION BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN TEAM AND RUSSIA, WHAT IS THE PROPER RESPONSE?

____  Scream at the reporter and threaten to take away his or her White House privileges

____  Repeatedly cry “fake news” and/or “lamestream media”

____  Why aren’t you investigating Hillary Clinton’s ties to (a) Russia, (b) e-mail leaks and (c) child pornography?

____  Put your hands over your ears and repeatedly say “I can’t hear you”, “I can’t hear you.”

____  Simply inform the reporter that the President is cooperating with any and all investigations and looks forward to the results

(any answer except the last one is acceptable; those choosing the last option have obviously been raised in the Washington swamp)

IF ASKED ABOUT THE PRESIDENT’S RELIANCE ON HIS FAMILY MEMBERS FOR POLITICAL ADVICE, WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?

____  It is very common in world politics for a leader to rely on his family members

____  The President greatly values the insights of his family members except maybe for Tiffany

____  Any organization would be lucky to have Ivanka and Jared working for them

____  Donald, Jr. does not work for The White House

(full marks for answers 1-3 and partial marks for answer 4 depending on whether or not the President feels anyone needs to be thrown under the bus that particular day)

HAVE YOU EVER STUDIED UNDER KELLYANNE CONWAY?  Yes  ____  No  ____  (if “No”, consider enrolling in her next course; if “Yes”, welcome aboard)