Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Gee!20!: Ivanka's Diary

July 5
     Daddy says he needs me to go with him to Hamburg for something called the Gee!20! but next week is fashion week in New York and I have a new line of Ivanka Trump eyelashes coming out. We’re calling them the Fake News eyelashes which Daddy thinks is very funny.
     Anyway, I asked why Jared couldn’t go to Hamburg but Daddy said Jared is very busy working on peace in the Middle East, reforming the criminal justice system and overhauling the entire government. I don’t see why Donald, Jr. can’t go instead but he says he has a very important interview coming up with the New York Times.
     So it looks like I’m stuck with Hamburg which at least is tastier than Frankfurt. See? Not only am I a strong feminist, I am funny and can make a joke.
July 6
     I’m so sick of family drama. Melania found out I’ll be traveling with Daddy and she went ballistic. She was so mad she was yelling in Slovenian but I think I know what she was saying.
     Ever since I turned twenty-one, Melania has been very, very jealous of me and with good reason. I’m smarter, prettier and younger than her and everyone knows that Daddy likes me better.  
     Imagine Melania sitting with the other nineteen leaders. How embarrassing. Thank God I’m here to save the day.
July 7
     It looks like I will get to do something important on this trip. Apparently Daddy’s not feeling well so I’m going to babysit Rex Tillerson at one of the Gee!20! meetings. I think it’s about Africa or something but Rex can fill me in.
     I think Daddy’s actually feeling fine. It’s just that he wants to get together with his good pal Vlad and doesn’t want anyone to know.
     Anyway, I’m more than happy to sit in for Daddy. I wasn’t that keen at first until I heard that that dreamy Justin Trudeau might be there. I think I’ll just play a little dumb and let Justin help me with the heavy lifting (wink wink nudge nudge). Maybe he knows something about Africa.
July 8
     Well I did it. I sat in on the Africa migration and health meeting and I nailed it. I didn’t even need Rex’s help since Africa hardly came up. Because Theresa May and Angela Merkel were there, I thought it appropriate to talk about fashion since Daddy says they’re both maybe a “three” at best and could really use some help in the style department. As for Xi Jinping, Recep Erdogan and Uncle Vlad, they’re all good pals with Daddy and did whatever they could to make me feel at home.
July 9
     We’re on our way home and everyone’s saying we were a big hit, especially me. Well everyone on FOX News, at least. Some members of the fake news were making snide comments about my brothers, calling them Uday and Qusay and saying that I was a lovely addition to the dictator’s ruling family. They’re all such mean losers.
July 10
     Because of all the great media coverage, I’ve decided to form an exploratory committee to consider my chances for running for President in 2020 in case Daddy decides to step down or something unexpected happens. After all, I am a strong, independent woman who has clearly made it on her own. However, it looks like that weenie Mike Pence is doing the same thing although once I tell Daddy, I’m pretty sure I’ll have the entire field to myself.

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