Saturday, May 28, 2011

Daria Does Doha

It has been widely reported that the Navy SEALS who killed Osama bin Laden were able to recover a huge cache of files including an extensive collection of pornography. Now seldom reliable sources have revealed the specific contents of that collection including:

* An X-rated video entitled "Extra Hummus Please" featuring a shawarma delivery man being tempted by a harem of 72 virgins.
* An erotic flip book with pictures of a veiled female. As the user flips the pages, the veil alternately disappears and reappears.
* A copy of the August 2006 issue of "Playmartyr." The centerfold features 19-year-old, burka-clad Amber with all four wrists and ankles exposed. Amber attends Abbottabad Community College and says her turn-ons include kittens, clouds and buff, self-immolating jihadis. Bin Laden reportedly said that he only bought the magazine to burn the articles.
* Two VHS copies of the classic middle eastern porno "Daria Does Doha" in which a fully-clad cheerleader serves figs and tea to the entire Qatar football team.
* Several copies of a monthly magazine called "Babes With Big Burqas."
* A steamy Arabic romance novel entitled "God Willing", part of a series of monogamous sex fantasies about Arab men being married to only one wife.
* An al Qaeda snuff film entitled "Top Ten Suicide Bombings of the 21st Century."
* A number of apparently fetishistic items including a leather hijab, a nylon abaya and a George W. Bush pin cushion doll.
* A hard-core pornographic film allegedly containing group sex called "We’re All Going To Hell" that has no lighting or sound.
* A series of soft-core videos entitled "Secretaries of State Gone Wild" featuring Hillary Clinton, Condaleeza Rice and Madeleine Albright look-a-likes in some semi-steamy, girl-on-girl diplomatic action. Each video shows the "secretaries" negotiating, compromising and frequently changing positions.

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