Friday, May 20, 2011

Joe Biden - SIC

"There was also a diary in which he [Osama bin Laden] jotted his musings on how to kill U. S. President Barack Obama, but not Joe Biden, the vice president, who, he wrote, was not worth the effort."
- The Ottawa Citizen - May 15, 2011

TO: Vice President Joe Biden
FROM: Vice Presidential Chief of Staff
RE: Increased visibility for the office of Vice President

As requested, we have investigated your surprisingly low profile in the eyes of our terrorist enemies and have considered various steps for rectifying the situation. As you said, it was disappointing to hear that you were "not worth the effort." If it is any consolation, everyone here at the White House considers that you are definitely worth killing.

The question then becomes: "How can we raise your public profile in order to attract the kind of attention that would make you assassination-worthy?" We have brainstormed this issue and here are our initial recommendations:
* It would definitely help, sir, if you had a cool acronym for your title like POTUS for the President of the United States. Consideration was given to VPOTUS and VEEP#1 but most of us felt you should go with SIC for "second in command."

* Perhaps it’s time to toughen up your image. Have you considered carrying a gun? We’re not suggesting anything ostentatious or showy. Rather, we think a tastefully conservative handgun would probably serve your purposes. Perhaps a Colt single action .45 "Peacemaker" like General George S. Patton wore in World War II except without the ivory handle.

* Few Americans are aware of your frequent use of passenger trains to travel back and forth from Washington to your home in Wilmington, Delaware. Given that bin Laden specifically targeted our country’s passenger rail system for terrorist attacks, it’s only fitting that more coverage be given to your courageous rail riding. Perhaps a press release with the heading "He may be the nation’s number two but on America’s rails, he’s number one."

* We know that we won’t be getting any more hurtful diary entries from bin Laden but to ensure that none of his top lieutenants do likewise, we suggest an open letter to al Qaeda detailing the pertinent Constitutional provisions regarding presidential succession. If they nail Obama, then you’re the President and presumably automatically their new number one target. Based on that fact alone, you should be getting a whole lot more respect.

* Although not everyone was in agreement with this final suggestion, some around the table felt it was the quickest, most effective route to attaining a higher status on the terrorist hit list. According to some, all you need do is tell an insensitive joke about Muslims, blame Islam for the problems of the Middle East or draw a cartoon or two making fun of the prophet Mohammed. Personally, I do not support this recommendation but I would add that if you do decide to follow it, I would suggest you give serious consideration to the handgun proposal as well.

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