Thursday, June 02, 2011

Dear Steve

An occasional advice column for the politically confused:

Dear Steve,
My pal Fabian and I are in a bit of a pickle. You see, a couple of months ago we both had cushy $132,000 jobs that didn’t require a lot of work. But then we thought it would be nice if we actually tried for elected positions. Everyone said we were shoe-ins but, guess what, we lost. Now we’re out of work and it really sucks. Anything we can do to get some easy work?
Larry S.

Dear Larry S.,
Leave it to me, boys. It looks like you were pretty happy with your old jobs. So why don’t we just get you reappointed? That should provide you with lots of long-term job security since, despite all the rumors, the last I heard was that no one would be touching those positions for a long, long time.

Dear Steve,
I’m at my wit’s end and I just don’t know what to do. We had this really great party and the leader kept saying that we should have an election so we could be in charge. Long story short: we lost big time and now we’re in lots of trouble. We’re looking to rebuild and someone mentioned a $2 vote subsidy we might qualify for. Can you help?
Bob R.

Dear Bob R.,
Sorry, no can do. I’ll talk to my friend Jim F. but I think he’s planning to pull the plug on that vote subsidy business. I hate to say it but maybe it’s time to roll up the carpet, take down the sign and put your party to bed. From what I hear, your former party is doing pretty well. Maybe you can find a home there.

Dear Steve,
Congratulations on your majority government. Much to my surprise, our party now forms the official opposition. I’m not sure exactly what that means but I think it’s a good thing. My members say that you can advise me as to what I should do to raise some issues that we could work on together.
Jack L.

Dear Jack L.,
Congratulations to you, too. Official opposition? That’s quite an accomplishment. As to working together, let me get back to you on that in about four or five years.

Dear Steve,
Remember me? I used to be a minister under Brian Mulroney but then I had a bit too much to drink, got on a motorcycle and rode right out of his cabinet. Anyway, good news; I’ve been reelected and was hoping to get back into cabinet. I heard that you want to reduce government and keep cabinet positions to a minimum. Any chance you could still find a spot for an old pal?
Bernie V.

Dear Bernie V.,
Yes, I’m a big believer in limited government and smaller cabinets. Nah, just kidding. Heck, we won a majority and that means if old friends need a helping hand, now’s the time to provide it. Don’t tell anybody but I’ve just upped the cabinet to a record 39 ministries. I’m almost making them up on the fly so how about we make you Minister of State for the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency and Francophonie? No kidding.

Dear Steve,
I’ve been hiding in the closet for a good five years now. A lot of people suspected I was there but I made sure the door was closed tight and never let anyone in to look at me. It’s been a shameful existence and I’d really like to come out now and let Canadians know who I really am. What should I do?
Hidden A. Genda

Dear Hidden,
Don’t be afraid. Come on out. It’s a different world today. People are much more accepting of philosophical, social and sexual differences. Just because you want to build more prisons when the crime rate is decreasing is no reason to hide. Nor does your desire to get rid of a functioning long gun registry make you a pariah any longer. Sure, a lot of people won’t be happy when you show your face but you have a right to be seen and heard. Welcome aboard.

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