White House Trick-or-treaters

It’s Halloween and that means American homes from coast to coast will be visited by scary trick-or-treaters. And that includes the nation’s First Residence: The White House. Here are some of the frightening visitors President Obama can expect this Sunday night:

The She Clinton
Hillary drops by to remind Obama what he can expect in 2012 if he doesn’t give her some more treats. She’s not saying she’ll run against him in two years’ time but she’s not saying she won’t either. But if Hillary doesn’t get what she wants, she may just unleash her sidekick Scary Bill.

The Birthers
They’re back and they’re scarier than ever. They’re the Birthers and now they’ve got a whole new crazy story about Obama’s non-American origins. It turns out that he was really born in Canada as the love child of Pierre Trudeau and Tina Turner.

Joe Biden
He looks friendly and harmless but once he opens his mouth, he can scare the bejesus out of the president. Dressed as a loose cannon, Joe Biden also has loose shoes, loose lips and a loose tongue.

Sarah Palin
This year, the former Alaska governor is wearing a new scary costume; she’s coming dressed as The Anti-Onanist - Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. In a frightening ironic twist for Obama, the more he attacks Ms. Palin and her new gal pal with facts and logic, the stronger they become.

Tea Partiers
They’re mad as hell and they aren’t going to take it anymore. They’re the Tea Partiers and they want change now. But the scary thing is, nobody knows what kind of change they want, including them.

The Campaign Promises
This group of Halloween visitors is the president’s worst nightmare. Whether it’s Global Warming; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; or The War in Afghanistan, their appearance is a chilling reminder of goals unmet. If this gang of trick-or-treaters keeps coming back, Obama may have to find a new home in two years.

Glenn Beck
Dressed as the Race Card, Glenn Beck drops by to accuse Obama of hating white people. Although the president might protest that the only white person he hates is Glenn Beck, Mr. Beck won’t let truth and rationality defeat his scary demagoguery.

The Swing Voter
Possibly the scariest visitor to The White House this year, the Swing Voter is as crazy and unpredictable as Virginia Thomas on an answering machine. Frightening as it is to consider, this spooky character twice elected George W. Bush and he may just hand Congress back to the Republicans on Tuesday.

Modern Merit Badges

"Boy Scouts of America now offers video game awards in the form of a belt loop and the more advanced video game pin."
- MSNBC - April 28, 2010

Although the new video gaming belt loop and game pin are just for Cub Scouts, the Boy Scouts are apparently looking to modernize their entire awards program. Rumor has it that, in order to appeal to today’s youth, the organization will soon be updating its merit badge program to include the following new badges:

Cell phone
Cell phones are now an integral part of modern life. This merit badge will be rewarded to those who demonstrate mastery of handheld wireless communication devices.
1. Must be able to analyse and assess competing cell phone plans and identify the cheapest one including any network charges, connection fees, roaming charges and additional usage surcharges.
2. Demonstrate basic operational skills such as placing and receiving calls and text messages. The candidate must achieve certain minimum texting character typing speeds with and without a QWERTY keypad.
3. Must be able to receive and transmit even in weak reception areas such as camping grounds and high-rise basements.
4. Required to start a fire in a remote location using only the cell phone battery and a fire-starting app.

Web surfing
This badge is awarded for demonstrated skill in navigating and exploiting the World Wide Web.
1. Must be able to use various search engines in order to locate vaguely described web sites.
2. Candidate needs to demonstrate the ability to bypass content filters in order to access restricted or adult-content sites.
3. Create and upload a YouTube video of a friend in a compromising position using only a camera phone and a laptop computer.
4. Use the Google search function to learn how to tie knots including a sheepshank, bowline and a half hitch.

Mall navigation
The Boy Scouts have always stressed the importance of wilderness skills. Mall navigation is simply a modern version of finding your way out of the woods. To earn this badge, a candidate is placed in an unknown location at an unfamiliar shopping mall. Given a cell phone with only a compass app, he must successfully navigate the mall and locate the food court, the cinemas, the Starbucks and at least two cool teen clothing or footwear stores.

iPod
Portable digital music devices are almost mandatory in today’s world. Thus, it is essential that Scouts learn how to operate and fully exploit this modern technology. A badge candidate is required to:
1. Download songs and videos from authorized and unauthorized sites.
2. Bust a move while wearing an iPod without dislodging the ear buds.
3. Go an entire 24-hour day wearing and using one’s iPod.
4. Identify at least six different wild songbirds using a songbird podcast.

Drug identification
As with wilderness survival, this is a field trip merit badge. Candidates will be taken on an outing to a local downtown park or high school parking lot. Each Scout is required to distinguish undercover narcotics police officers from legitimate drug dealers. He must also be able to differentiate prescription from non-prescription pharmaceuticals. Must demonstrate the ability to classify on-street product as "grass", "speed", "acid", "crack" or "meth." The final test involves rapid identification of an anonymous white powder including drug type, potency, street value and any unusual additives and/or side effects.

The Coffee Party

The Tea Party movement has been criticized as a one-time, flash-in-the-pan phenomenon, just another third party that will soon go up in flames. But it looks like Tea Partiers are here to stay as evidenced by these new copycat parties looking to ride on their coattails:

The Coffee Party
Some folks think the Tea Party is fine as far as it goes but feel that something stronger would be even better. They’re the Coffee Partiers, citizen-patriots who like their political caffeine in a stronger dose.
Tea Partiers want less government. Coffee Partiers want no government. After all, if you’re jacked up on joe, you don’t need the government’s help for anything. You can do it all yourself including having your own personal army.

The Coke Party
Some folks drink coffee to get their caffeine fix but others prefer Coke. And then there are those who are truly committed to their caffeinated soft drink preference. They belong to the Coke Party and are willing to do anything to keep Coca-Cola America’s number one carbonated drink. For serious fans of stimulating beverages, there’s the Red Bull Party, not to be confused with Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party or any modern party enamored of bull.

The Decaf Party
There are those who aren’t happy with the two mainstream parties but aren’t quite ready to adopt all the crazy rhetoric of the new caffeinated parties. For them, there’s the Decaf Party.
Decaffers like to state their dissatisfaction with the status quo but in a quiet, reasonable, non-caffeinated way. Sadly, the Decaf Party is so laid back that its members seldom get out to demonstrate and often forget to vote.

The Home Party
Patterned on the Tupperware sales method and home lingerie parties, the Home Party is looking to spread its message one house at a time. Hostesses sign on and then invite a group of friends over for a get together to try on different ideologies and see which one they like.
Each Home Party party has food, fun and games including Pin the Tail on the Democrat and Spot the Elephant in the Room. Serious partiers may even want to play the Libertarian Drinking Game where participants down shots of liquids from various non-government inspected containers.

The Party Party
This is a party for people who are tired of political organizations that call themselves parties but then get all serious about things. The Party Party wants to ensure that when you join a party, you really get to party.
"We’re not conservative," said Party Party spokesperson Candy Kane. "We like to let loose and have a good time. You could say we’re really, really social but we’re definitely not socialists."

Say You're Sorry

"Clarence Thomas’s Wife Asks Anita Hill for Apology"
- N. Y. Times headline - October 19, 2010

In what some are calling a highly unusual voicemail message, Virginia Thomas asked Anita Hill to apologize to her husband Clarence Thomas for her allegations of inappropriate sexual comments against him during his 1991 Senate confirmation hearings. But it turns out that Ms. Thomas’s recorded appeal is only the latest in a recent series of requests for apologies:

Monica Lewinsky’s voicemail - October 10, 2010
Monica, it’s Bill, Bill Clinton. I just wanted to call and say I hope there’s no hard feelings about all that went down, so to speak, fifteen years ago. I’m still not sure why you said that our innocent flirtation constituted sexual relations when we both know that it really depends on what the meaning of "is" is. It would be great if you could make a public apology so we could put all this behind us and I could start sleeping in the big bed with Hillary again.

John Kerry’s voicemail - October 12, 2010
Hey, big guy, it’s W, George W. How’s it hanging there, Johnny Swift Boat? Look, I’ve been thinking and it would be a nice gesture on your part if you’d apologize for all those mean things you said during the 2004 campaign. After all, how did I know there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? And, heck, that wasn’t really the point anyway, was it? How about saying a nice big "I’m sorry" and then everyone would know I was a good ole boy all along?

Barack Obama’s voicemail - October 14, 2010
Mr. President? It’s Hillary, Hillary Clinton. You know, your Secretary of State? I’ve been thinking and I’d really appreciate it if you’d apologize for what you said in that debate back in 2008. "You’re likable enough, Hillary?" Boy, that really stung. How about just saying you’re sorry and then tell everybody what a great person I am? And if it’s not asking too much, it would be a gracious gesture if you didn’t run in 2012 and let me show everyone how really likable I can be.

John McCain’s voicemail - October 16, 2010
John, it’s Sarah, Sarah Palin - the hockey mom. I was your running mate back in 2008. But you know, I could have been more than just your running mate if you and your crazy advisors had let me run the show. We’d both be sitting pretty in The White House right now, John, if you had just left everything to me. Anyway, I don’t want to be crying over spilt moose milk. If you would just apologize and endorse me for 2012, I’d forgive you faster than green grass through a goose.

Jenn Sterger’s voicemail - October 18, 2010
Hi, Jenn. It’s me, again. No, no, let me start over. It’s me, Brett, Brett Favre who has never left a voicemail message for you before, OK? Or a text or a sext or whatever they call them. Boy, you’re smoking hot. Whoa, wait a minute. Can I just re-record this? Anyway, I was kind of hoping you could publicly apologize for saying I did all those things. I’d really, really appreciate it. And if you could return those photos of me, that would be even better.

Read "Dare to be Average" for free!

Well, not exactly the entire book. But if you go to www.amazon.com, you can read the first chapter without paying me a dime. Just search for "Dare to be Average" and scroll down to the heading "Kindle Edition" on the right. Then you can read the first chapter right on your PC or e-reader.

I'm Going to Harperland

"In Lawrence Martin's new book, Harperland, he talks about the 2008 constitutional crisis."
- CBC.ca - September 30, 2010

If you’re looking for a fun time for the whole family, consider spending a day at Canada’s newest amusement park: Harperland.
For one low, all-inclusive price of $109, your entire family can spend the whole day exploring all the great rides and attractions at Ottawa’s number one entertainment destination. And for a limited time, we’ll pay the HST, the GST and part of any increase in applicable EI premiums.
From the moment you enter the grounds of Harperland, you’ll be amazed at the wide variety of entertainment available. Start your day with the Cabinet Minister Puppet Show featuring 36 life-size puppets.
They look like real politicians with their own independent movements, opinions and voices. But if you look closely, you’ll see the strings that all lead to the country’s most amazing puppet master: Stephen Harper. You’ll be amazed as this fantastic showman manipulates all his puppet-ministers and gets them to say and do exactly what he wants.
Then it’s off to Frontierland, one of the many independent attractions at Harperland. There you’ll get to check out the old Alberta firewall and maybe even try your hand at target shooting using unregistered long guns.
Next, be sure to stop at Fantasyland where you’ll get to experience all the long-held Tory dreams. Play "Bury the Liberals", deny global warming and dismantle any number of social welfare programs.
Then there’s Tomorrowland, a place where the future is now. Experience a Conservative majority government, a disappearing corporate tax and a triple-E Senate as if they really existed.
But Harperland isn’t just about attractions; it’s also jam-packed with exciting rides. If you dare, try the exciting Economic Roller Coaster with its gut-wrenching debts, drops and deficits.
And don’t forget the fun-filled Parliamentary Prorogator. Just as you’re heading to an almost certain coalition, someone pulls the plug and stops the ride cold.
Just like Disneyland has Mickey Mouse and Goofy, Harperland has its own favorite characters. There’s Little Jim Flaherty who spends money he doesn’t have and Big John Baird who likes to bash and trash his opponents.
But best of all is the daily show at Harperland called Question Period. Sit back and watch opposition clowns ask silly questions which are batted away with ease by government ministers and Stephen Harper himself.
Bring the whole family and make a day of it. Harperland is so much fun you’d swear it’s illegal. But as far we know, it’s not. It’s just really, really secret.