Friday, November 27, 2009

Pardoned Turkey Kills Again

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, White House officials learned that this year’s pardoned Thanksgiving turkey has gone on a nationwide killing spree.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs was tightlipped and circumspect in announcing the tragic events. This year’s pardoned poultry, a 45-pound bird named Courage, apparently escaped from Big Thunder Ranch in Disneyland’s Frontierland where he ended up after his stint as grand marshal of Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"The White House regrets to announce that the turkey pardoned by President Obama on Wednesday has killed upwards of six people in southern California," said Mr. Gibbs. "And there are reports that he may have injured dozens more."

Investigations have revealed that Courage (a.k.a. Salmonella Sam) was known to authorities for some time as a vicious spreader of various bacteria. Apparently it is not just undercooked turkeys who are a threat to the American people.

"Live turkeys are even more dangerous," said FDA spokesperson Harold Haroldson. "If they manage to sneak into your home, they can spread bacteria without you even knowing it."

The FBI has issued an all-points bulletin asking citizens to be on the lookout for a rather large, white, feathered turkey who is unarmed yet considered to be very dangerous. According to authorities, the bird is not a flight risk although he can flap his wings and travel at speeds of upwards of three miles an hour.

The White House hopes to have the wayward bird back in captivity soon although the President has apparently not yet decided if it will be returned to Big Thunder Ranch or will instead serve as next year’s Thanksgiving dinner at Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever course of action the President ultimately chooses, it looks like Joe Biden has already decided to take matters into his own hands. The Vice President was reportedly last seen on Air Force Two heading east to Istanbul declaring that, unlike the Bush Administration, "this White House has no intention of pardoning Turkey."

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