A Dobbsian World View

It’s official; longtime CNN anchor Lou Dobbs has resigned. The controversial host of "Lou Dobbs Tonight" reportedly felt constrained by his network’s policy of neutrality and impartiality.

"I tried to call things as I saw them," said Dobbs. "Like illegal immigration and foreign-born presidents. But I was always having to ratchet back my true feelings on the issues of the day."

CNN had reportedly urged Mr. Dobbs to moderate his opinions but the popular host apparently chafed under those restrictions. Now, however, he will be free to give full voice to his views on all manner of topics.

"Sure, I came down hard on illegal immigration," the former host said. "But I could only tell half the story. It turns out that illegal Hispanics are not the worst of it. When you really examine the issue of illegal aliens, it’s hard not to avoid the indisputable fact that most of them are true aliens coming from other solar systems."

Pressed to provide further details, Dobbs at first said that he would wait to expand and expound on these new controversial views when he had assumed a new hosting position. In the end, however, he couldn’t resist.

"Let’s just say that true illegal aliens are even trickier and more troubling than those folks sneaking over our southern border," said the former financial reporter. "And once I have nailed down a new TV host position, I’ll be able to discuss the matter in more detail."

Although Dobbs wouldn’t say too much, it appears that he sees more trouble on the horizon for America.

"A lot of folks dismiss the Birther movement," said Dobbs. "But I think there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. If you check into the president’s history, you can’t even find a birth record for him from Kenya. And when you hear the name Barack Obama, it’s hard to place it in any country on this planet. I don’t know what kind of records they keep in the Alpha Centauri star system but I wouldn’t be surprised to find Barack Obama filed right between Banik Oaruma and Bornak Ozckx."

Without giving too much away, Mr. Dobbs hinted that he’s also prepared to demonstrate how John Kerry’s Swift Boat Navy service gave rise to global warming which in turn has secretly necessitated the implementation of death panels.

"It’s not like I’m finding a conspiracy under every rock," said Dobbs. "But I wouldn’t be surprised to find something under every second or third rock."

As for a potential new anchor position for the populist porcine pundit, his initial optimism about landing a new gig may be misplaced. "Yes we’ve had an enquiry," said Fox News’s Glenn Beck. "And we think the world of Lou but, let’s face it, he’s too nutty even for us."