Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Judge Not

President Obama is faced with a tough decision in choosing a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. On the one hand, he wants to avoid a partisan battle in the Senate. On the other hand, he needs to please his liberal base.

Perhaps it’s time the President started to think outside the box and considered one of these fine candidates:

Martha Stewart
If Mr. Obama is looking for another female to sit on the bench, he could do worse than pick this doyenne of domesticity. Known as a stickler for detail, Ms. Stewart is a strict constructionist in some regards but remains very liberal when it comes to matters financial. And her hands-on experience with America’s financial and penal systems gives her a leg up on many other candidates. As Martha herself might say of her potential candidacy: "It’s a good thing."

Michael Jackson
At first blush, the choice of The Gloved One as the next Supreme Court justice might seem unusual. But if President Obama is looking to show solidarity with both his Caucasian and African-American constituencies, Mr. Jackson could be the perfect choice. The self-styled King of Pop not only has extensive trial experience, he is also a big believer in "original intent" and is reportedly looking for a career change.

Tom Cruise
Given the wide variety of views held by Mr. Cruise, his appointment could serve to satisfy all philosophical camps. Libertarians should be pleased with his positions on psychiatry and the media while traditional conservatives should feel at home with his take on the origins of life. And liberal leaning members of the Senate Judiciary Committee will undoubtedly be thrilled to welcome a Hollywood mega-star to their hearings, even if he’s not Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie.

Simon Cowell
If the musical Brit takes out American citizenship, he could be a surefire addition to the top court. Whereas some current justices tend to sugarcoat their judgments, Mr. Cowell pulls no punches and tells it like it is 24/7. At the very least, his musical opinions would likely bring a quick end to Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s atrocious piano recitals and Antonin Scalia’s annoying whistling from the bench.

Judge Judy
Who better to fill the shoes of the low-key Souter than a tough-minded, straight-shooting female jurist like Judge Judy? Known for her no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners approach to the law, she’s sure to please liberals and conservatives alike. With her bare bones, no-precedent citing, summary judgment style, Judge Judy may be the breath of judicial fresh air the Court desperately needs.

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