American Inquisition

Pressure mounted on President Obama on Monday for more thorough investigation into harsh interrogations of terrorism suspects under the Bush Administration.....
- N. Y. Times - April 21, 2009

.....[Simon Cowell] was considering leaving his judging job on "Idol" after one more season.
- N. Y. Times - April 21, 2009

May 31, 2011

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to the final episode of the first season of "American Inquisition", the show where you the viewers get to decide who will be punished for allegations of torture. As you know, earlier this year, we travelled the country from Wyoming to Texas to Washington to audition contestants for the show. We found lots of great candidates for the title of America’s Top Torturer and, after eight weeks of competition, we’ve narrowed the field down to three finalists. Each of the remaining contestants will be given a final chance to explain their actions, our judging panel will give you their thoughts and then America will get to vote. Once again, our panel consists of Dr. Winston Salem, professor of constitutional law at the Manhattan Correspondence School of Law; Vitam Neeram, special United Nations envoy for the Geneva Conventions and, of course, the creator and producer of "American Inquisition", Simon Cowell.

SIMON COWELL: Thank you, Ryan. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s been a great first season and I couldn’t be happier with our final three contestants. When Barack Obama approached me to create this show, I was sceptical at first that we would be able to find enough talented individuals in America to face up to charges of torture. But, as you now know, we had no shortage of candidates and I think that tonight we’re seeing the cream of the crop.

RYAN SEACREST: So let’s not delay any further. Our first finalist is George from Dallas, Texas. Last week, George received more votes than any other contestant including several Justice Department lawyers and a former Secretary of Defense. George, I understand you’ll be performing an exculpatory piece first made famous by the late, great Ronald Reagan called "I Don’t Remember." Whenever you’re ready.

GEORGE: I don’t remember.

RYAN SEACREST: Judges?

SIMON COWELL: I knew when you came out on that stage tonight that we were going to hear something extraordinary. And you didn’t disappoint. George, you are a little tiger.

RYAN SEACREST: Next up is Dick from Cheyenne, Wyoming. It says here you’ll be performing "Torture yes, but look at the results we got." Dick, go ahead.

DICK: I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. I told that s.o.b. Obama not to release those memos but he didn’t listen to me. And now I’ve got to put up with this nonsense again. Anyway, maybe it’s torture and maybe it’s not. Does it really matter? Look at the results we got. Check out these classified memos detailing all the juicy info we got from those guys. How many terrorist attacks have there been in America since 9/11? That’s right - none. I rest my case.

RYAN SEACREST: Let’s turn it over to our judges. Simon?

SIMON COWELL: That was brilliant, Dick. Not only did you do a bang up job on your selected excuse, you also managed to throw in the "no more attacks" rationalization. You can’t disprove a negative and I think you may have just bought yourself immunity.

RYAN SEACREST: Finally, please welcome back the third of our three finalists, Alberto from Washington, D. C. who’ll be performing the same piece he did at his audition - "Waterboarding is not torture." Let’s hear it, Alberto.

ALBERTO: Waterboarding is not torture. How can it be? There are no physical bruises and no scars. Look, we even waterboarded those two guys 266 times. How can it possibly be torture if they’re still alive after that many times?

RYAN SEACREST: Judges, what do you think of Alberto’s performance?

SIMON COWELL: Alberto, that was simply horrible. In fact, about the only thing worse you could have come up with would have been "I was just following orders." I think you’ve hung yourself out to dry, in a manner of speaking."

RYAN SEACREST: There you have it, America. Our three finalists have offered up their excuses and now it’s time for you to vote. The 1-800 lines will be open right after the show. Vote for who you think should be America’s Top Torturer. Next week we’ll announce the winner and his punishment. But don’t worry. According to our lawyers, whatever the punishment is, it will not be torture.