Friday, May 29, 2009

The Chevy Tomorrow

Struggling automobile manufacturers are desperately trying to come up with new cars to save themselves from economic extinction. If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, the question becomes what will today’s failing auto industry produce to meet our perceived needs? Check out these upcoming models for 2011:

The Chevy Tomorrow
It’s tomorrow’s car today - the brand new Chevy Tomorrow. Borrowing from the historically successful Camarro, the Tomorrow is a high-performance sports car. But it’s also an environmentally-friendly hybrid vehicle that combines a gasoline-powered internal combustion engine with a solar-assisted turbine. On sunny days, you’ll be able to motor for hours with fuel efficiency in the 70 m.p.g. range. Not intended for sale in Seattle, Boston or most of Canada.

The Chrysler Micro-van
A worthy successor to the popular minivan, the Chrysler Micro-van combines the roominess of a subcompact car with the flexibility of a small pickup truck. This tiny vehicle features a one-driver cab with a flatbed able to carry up to six children strapped in to a standing position. Perfect for those short daily trips to school, home and soccer practise. Comes with an optional flat screen TV to keep the young ones in the back from questioning their immobile positioning.

The Ford Potemkim
Just because the economy has tanked is no reason to deny people the luxury cars they desire. Maybe few people can now fork out 60 or 70K for a fancy car. But lots of folks will be able to cough up 8 or 10 thousand for a brand new Ford Potemkin. The Potemkin features the latest in aerodynamic styling and interior luxuries. What it lacks in the way of an engine and a transmission, it more than makes up for in appearance. Not for driving, the Potemkin is the driveway car that tells the neighbors that you’ve still got it.

The Dodge Non-Charger Electric
Forget about the restrictions of plug-in car batteries and the limited mileage between charge-ups. The Dodge Non-Charger Electric gives you the freedom of a gasoline engine without the gas. That’s because it runs on a sixteen-pack of double-A batteries. That’s right; just plug in the pack and away you go. After that, it’s as simple as one-two-three. Remove the pack, toss it out the window and plug in a new pack. And with 35 cubic feet in the back seat and another 23 cubic feet of storage space in the trunk, it’ll be days before you have to replace your battery supply.

The Buick Bitumen
Oil supplies are dwindling. So what’s a consumer to do? Look to America’s most plentiful source of power: coal. And now you can be the first in your neighborhood to drive a vehicle powered by nothing but coal. The Buick Bitumen features a steam engine fired by a modern, clean-coal-burning furnace. So long as you’ve got a passenger and a shovel, you’ll be waving goodbye to gas stations in your continuous search for that elusive next coal station.

The Lada Chernobyl
Looking to leapfrog the western automotive industry, the Russian government has underwritten Lada’s new entry into the modern motoring era: the Chernobyl. It’s the world’s first commercially viable, nuclear-powered family sedan. Using the same safe and reliable technology that powered the Soviet Union’s nuclear reactors and submarines for decades, Lada has produced a car that will run for as long as you need on just one fill up. Once Lada has ironed out the bugs in its internal child radiation shields and its spent nuclear fuel rods disposal program, it’s hoping to help the entire world "Go nuclear!"

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