Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Electoral Kindergarten

Do you remember Robert Fulgham? He’s the fellow who wrote the book of aphorisms entitled "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten". Mr. Fulgham was right and it’s time to apply his lessons to the current stalemate between the two Democratic candidates for President.

Essentially what we have here is a playground standoff between Barack and Hillary. Both have their hands on the ball and neither will let go. Remember how you used to decide such dilemmas in kindergarten? Well, there’s no reason those methods won’t work now.

Odds and evens
Both candidates go on "Larry King Live", choose odds or evens and display one, two or no fingers. Best two out of three wins. If the candidates can’t be trusted not to cheat, Larry could always make them draw straws.

Rock, paper, scissors
Let Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts preside over a round of rock, paper, scissors. Remember, paper covers rock, scissors cut paper, rock breaks scissors and bullshit baffles brains.

Choose a number between one and ten
Pick somebody trustworthy like Walter Cronkite to choose a number between one and ten (or, in this case, one and 2,024, that being the number of delegates needed to win the Democratic nomination). Candidates each guess what the number is and the closest wins the endorsement of all 308 currently uncommitted superdelegates.

Take turns
The fairest solution usually is to take turns. For example, Obama could agree to be a one-term President and not run against Clinton in 2012. Or Hillary could be President for two years and Barack for two. Or they could alternate years.

Who had it last?
That would be George W. Bush. Why not repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution and give W one more term? Then again......

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