One Note Rudy

As the heroic former mayor of New York City, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is being accused of relying too much on his 9/11 reputation and being a political one-note samba. To counteract that perception, his advisers have reportedly drafted the following campaign position paper:

The Democrats
You know and I know that if the Democrats win the next election, the terrorists will have won. I didn’t rescue America from 9/11 only to have it fall into the hands of these week-kneed, pusillanimous al-Qaeda lovers.

Osama bin Laden
So long as this evil mastermind draws a breath, I will do all in my power to hunt him down. But I can’t avenge our honor for his attacks on 9/11 unless you give me the powers of the presidency to go after him..

The Housing Market
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from bravely standing atop the smoking pile of 9/11 rubble, new construction requires generous refinancing. Just as we were able to find the funds to rebuild on the World Trade Center site, as President, I will do what is necessary to track down the affordable mortgages Americans need to keep their homes safe from terrorism.

Marriage
I am a strong believer in the institution of marriage and I have no use for those people who criticize me for being thrice married. As we all know, after 9/11, everything changed. A traumatic event like 9/11 simply underscores the importance of finding your true soul mate even if that means admitting and divorcing past mistakes. Subject to another major terrorist attack, I believe I’ve found mine.

Crime
The way to fight crime is the way I did when I was the mayor of New York City. Take care of the small offenses and thereby avoid having to call 911. That’s how you fight terrorism, too.

Gambling
In general, as a former District Attorney, I’m against gambling since it tends to encourage organized crime. However, I am willing to make limited exceptions for legalized gambling to generate public revenue, particularly any games of dice, roulette and baccarat where 9 or 11 is the winning number.

Child Welfare
I think if kids are watching 9 to 11 hours of TV a day, that’s way too much. In order to be healthy enough to fight terrorism, I strongly recommend that children go to bed at 9, definitely no later than 11. Anyway, definitely somewhere between 9 and 11.

Abortion
My position has been consistently clear. Up to about 9 or 11 weeks gestation, I support a woman’s right to choose. After that, I am adamantly opposed to abortion. Otherwise, the terrorists have won.