Boomers Never Die

With the leading members of their generation already in their early sixties, baby boomers are doing what they’ve always done: they’re revolting and this time it’s against getting old.

With 65 just around the corner, aging baby boomers are taking no chances on letting age catch up with them. They’re taking action now.

Grassroots movements in every state except Florida and Arizona have mobilized those born between 1946 and 1964 to stand up for their God-given right to stay young forever. Petitions are already circulating to demand legislators roll back the years. If planned legislation passes, residents in most states will be allowed to start counting their age backwards once they reach 65.

"I feel young, I look young and I damn well have the right to be young," said AARP spokesperson Lance de León. "And that means the right to adopt my psychological age rather than some outmoded, outdated chronological marker."

And apparently that goes for the word "retirement", too. Many boomers are insisting on new post-employment terminology such as "sabbatical", "career shift" and "life stage transition."

"That’s right," said Mr. de León. "We won’t hang ‘em up at 65 like the so-called Greatest Generation. We’ve got too much to do. After all, we’re the Greatest Generation Ever."

Plans are already in the works to mobilize boomers from coast to coast to participate in one of their famous Marches on Washington®. Except it won’t be for civil rights or women’s liberation or to end some East Asian war. Instead, this time it’s all about the boomers themselves and their tenacious desire to say no to death.

Local demonstrations have recently occurred in and around certain pre-retirement communities. Some older boomers have taken to the streets protesting the aging process and carrying signs that say "Hell, why? We won’t die." and "Make pharmaceuticals, not war."

Boomer leaders like former President Bill Clinton have already signed on with the nascent movement. And as more and more of their contemporaries reach their sixties, it’s expected that the numbers will swell, just like they did in public schools across the land fifty years ago.

"I, for one, am going to fight for this just cause," said Mr. Clinton. "Not so much for me but more for my children and my children’s children so that no one will have to face the trauma of turning 65 ever again."

It’s still in the early stages, but there are plans afoot to celebrate the 42nd anniversary of Woodstock with a giant indoor concert in a well-ventilated, climate-controlled venue in an as yet undetermined hypoallergenic, non-smoking, pet-friendly location.

"It will be very symbolic," said Mr. de León. "The 42nd anniversary of Woodstock happens in 2011 which would have been the year the first boomers turn 65. But instead we’re going to use this opportunity to start turning the clock backward. Forever young, man."

Tickets for the event will soon be available but only for those who have the American Express card. Ironically, there reportedly will be a 15% seniors’ discount for those over 55.

When informed that the boomers plan to live forever, Generation X spokesperson Natalie Ennui indicated her contemporaries have decided to protest by ending it all in a massive group suicide. However, the event, tentatively called Lemming Day, has reportedly already been cancelled due to lack of interest.