Monday, June 04, 2007

Creative Campaign Financing

A previous Honorable Mention winner on the site:

How often have you said to yourself: "Boy, I’d sure love to run for President but I’m worried that I can’t afford it."

Well, worry no more. With a copy of "The White House Can Be Yours With No Money Down", you can’t afford not to run for President!

Here are just a few of the tricks the real pros use to get the political real estate they desire:

* Are you married? If so, then your spouse can be an instant source of millions of dollars. Just announce a drug or alcohol dependency, an adultery or a terminal illness and watch the donations roll in.

* Don’t be afraid to flip. If you’ve milked a particular position for as much as you can, flip it. Once you’ve done a quick 180, you’ll find that there’s a whole new demographic just waiting to reward you.

* Look for bargains at foreclosures and estate sales. Remember, there are lots of other folks running for President and not all of them can succeed. When another candidate drops out or dies, you can pick up their war chest for pennies on the dollar.

* In this business, name recognition is everything. So if you were unlucky enough to be born with a little known name, change it to something more recognizable like Lincoln or Kennedy. Better yet, adopt a composite name like Barack Clinton-Edwards or Rudy McCain-Romney. You’ll be surprised how much you can make without even trying.

* Don’t be afraid to lie. Sure, it sounds wrong. But all the top candidates do it and it works wonders for them. And while you’re at it, promise everybody everything. It doesn’t cost you a cent and it may just be the edge you need to get that Pennsylvania Avenue property you’ve had your eye on.

* One word: Swift Boat. Actually, that’s two words but we think you get the idea. Have friends or family badmouth the other candidates to decrease their value. But make sure you stay above the fray. So long as you’re not saying it, no accusation is too outrageous or too profitable.

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