The Gospel According to Bill

"An early Christian manuscript, including the only known text of what is known as the Gospel of Judas, has surfaced after 1,700 years. The text gives new insights into the relationship of Jesus and the disciple who betrayed him, scholars reported today."

- The New York Times, April 6, 2006

Apparently, the Gospel of Judas is not the only interesting revisionist manuscript to show up as revealed by these recently discovered excerpts:

The Gospel According to Bill

And it came to pass in the City of Washington, in a house of white near an oval-shaped office that Bill did minister to the needs of the woman called Monica.

And he spoke to her saying: "Take of my body for it shall bring you love in your time of need."

Then Bill did come forth and spread love upon the land and upon the raiment of Monica. And Bill offered her a sacrament of poetry and cigars.

But Monica was jealous and desired Bill only for herself. She could not accept that Bill’s love was to be shared by the multitudes.

So, as it was written, Monica betrayed Bill. She spoke to her friend Linda who told the ones called Republicans of Bill’s love.

And the ones called Republicans condemned Bill and tried to cast him out of the house of white. They voted to impeach his word and bring him before another house.

But Bill was of the people and he spoke to them saying: "It depends what the meaning of ‘is’ is." And he would not leave his house of white, at least not until the years of eight had passed.

The Gospel According to Jack

Jack was of the tribe of Israel that always wears the hat and keeps the Sabbath. He honored the word of his God and brought forth great riches to share with his fellow man.

Jack thought not of himself but only of others. He helped them to approach the good leaders to plead their case. Even the poorest of those living on reservations without fully-licensed casinos received Jack’s help.

And for his assistance, the people showered him with praise and bills of large denominations. But Jack was a man of great faith. His needs were modest and his path was true.

So Jack did not keep the gifts. He gave them to the good leaders who had truly helped the ones in need. And the good leaders were grateful.

But then it came to pass that the bad leaders who had not helped others were angry. They had not received the gifts of Jack and were jealous and sought revenge.

The good leaders returned the gifts to Jack saying they did not know him. And Jack spoke saying: "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do. Verily, I say unto you, I will accept the punishment for the sins of others."

The Gospel According to Tom

He was from the land of Texas, from the district known only as the 22nd. He came from the land of oil and cattle to rebuild his Father’s House in the city called Washington.

For many years, the House was filled with heathens called Democrats. They did not care about the House and spent money unwisely on all manner of social programs.

So Tom entered the House and he cast the Democrats out saying: "You shall not spend money on the poor and the needy. We shall give it back to those who were taxed."

And the people with money rejoiced for they now had more money. And the Democrats tried to return to the House to take back that money and spend it. But Tom redrew the lines of their districts and banished them to the political wilderness.

The Democrats were angry and sought revenge on Tom. They brought fake charges and turned the people against him. But Tom did not raise up his hammer but selflessly left his beloved House so that no Democrat could replace him.

The Gospel According to Dick

Whosoever chooseth the President shall rule and have everlasting political power. And he shall be called the Vice President.

In the beginning, Nixon begat Reagan. And Reagan begat Bush. But then the land was ruled by the evil one called Clinton.

So the Republicans asked Dick to save them. And Dick looked far and wide for a new savior. But he could not find one. So instead he chose the son of Bush and made himself Vice President. And the Republicans were happy.

And so it came to pass that Dick ruled the land through the son of Bush. The son of Bush spoke but the words were the words of Dick.

So when the son of Bush appeared to lose the first election, he turned to Dick and cried: "What shall I do?"

And Dick replied: "Act first and ask questions later." And the Supreme Court gave the son of Bush his victory.

And when the son of Bush did not know what to do with the surplus, he asked Dick and Dick said: "Cut first and ask questions later." And indeed the taxes of the wealthy were cut.

And when the son of Bush defeated the terrorists in Afghanistan, he said: "What next?" and Dick replied: "Invade first and ask questions later." And Iraq was invaded.

And when Dick hunted quail with his friends, he said: "Shoot first and ask questions later." And the birds did come home to roost.