Buck-A-Burger

     American President Harry S. Truman famously said “The buck stops here.” Ontario Premier Doug Ford, however, has done him one better. He’s decided that the buck doesn’t stop with him. It actually starts with him as evidenced by his new “buck-a-beer” initiative slated for implementation in time for the upcoming Labor Day weekend.

     But that’s just the beginning. Rumor has it that Premier Ford has tapped the top minds in his cabinet and plans to extend his “buck-a” thinking throughout the province.

     First up is his new “buck-a-coffee” initiative. Ford has reportedly contacted Tim Horton’s and wants them to bring back coffee pricing from the previous century as in a large cup of coffee for only a dollar. Apparently Starbucks was also contacted but expressed little interest unless the premier was willing to also implement a “five-bucks-a-coffee” program.

     Next up is Ford’s new “buck-a-burger” plan. He’s apparently hoping to convince fast food chains across the province to hearken back to the previous millennium and start offering hamburgers for a dollar a piece. McDonald’s claims they’re already close to that target and would only have to remove one patty in their McDouble to meet it.

     Also in the planning stages is the new “buck-a-liter” program. Ontario’s gasoline stations will be asked to sign on to this new minimum floor pricing. Canada’s oil companies apparently have no problem with this new legislated optional minimum price so long as they never have to meet it.

     Ontario’s smokers will undoubtedly be pleased to hear that Doug Ford is hoping to bring back “buck-a-pack” pricing for cigarettes. “It’s just cruel what folks have to fork out for a deck of smokes these days,” said the premier. “When I was a kid, you could get a whole pack for under a buck.” When asked about possibly implementing a “buck-a-joint” plan for marijuana sales like when he was young, Ford had no comment.

     Looking long term, Premier Ford is hoping to sell off the remaining government-owned shares in Ontario Hydro and let electricity rates be governed by the free market. Eventually, he hopes to convince private power generators to provide “buck-a-kilowatt-hour” which is roughly five times the current peak rate. “That Hydro debt’s not going to retire itself,” Ford reportedly quipped.

     Thinking outside the box has also generated the soon-to-be-popular “three-buck-breakfast” tentatively planned by the Tory government. “Remember back in the good old days when you could get two eggs, bacon, home fries, toast and coffee for $2.99?” said Ford. “Well, that’s something else I’d like to bring back.

     To help pay for his new programs and lost revenues due to planned tax cuts, Premier Ford is looking to pare expenses, especially in the healthcare sector. To that end, he hopes to introduce his new “buck-a-visit” program wherein every visit to a doctor’s office, dentist’s office, hospital, clinic and pharmacy would result in a one-dollar charge. “Think of the millions in revenue that will generate,” said Ford, unmindful of the roughly two-dollar administrative cost entailed in collecting each one-dollar fee.

     Finally, Doug Ford has made it clear that he was never happy with Kathleen Wynne’s rapidly implemented sizable increases to Ontario’s minimum wage. If he has his way, his new “buck-an-hour” initiative will reverse the extra one-dollar increase to $15 an hour scheduled for this coming January. Ford claims there is no truth to the rumor that he initially wanted to use the new “buck-an-hour” plan to reduce Ontario’s minimum wage to that of the good old days of 1963, namely one-dollar an hour.