Remember the Homeland Security Advisory System? That was the five-color chart issued by the Department of Homeland Security after 9/11 to advise folks of the current threat level and to trigger preventative actions by federal, state and local governments.
That system was retired in 2011 and replaced by the National Terrorism Advisory System which was designed to provide more detailed and helpful information regarding specific terrorist threats. But it looks like a variation of the old color-coded system is under consideration by the Department to warn not of threats to the White House but rather threats emanating from the White House.
It’s called the Trump Security Advisory Determinator or #SAD for short. Seldom reliable sources have leaked the latest draft version of the proposed five-color chart:
GREEN – Low Risk
Green signifies a low risk of incomprehensible or indecipherable communications coming from the White House. Generally, this risk level will be in place when the President is either out of the country or gone golfing or he has lost his smart phone.
BLUE – Guarded Risk
Blue indicates a general risk of contradictory presidential outbursts including, but not limited to, general and/or specific denials of any outstanding negative news items. This risk level can usually be identified by a greater-than-usual number of references to “fake news”, “losers” and “Crooked Hillary.”
YELLOW – Elevated Risk
Yellow tells us that there is a significant risk of Trumpian eruptions. Whether it’s a Mexican border wall paid for by Mexico, a Muslim ban that’s not a Muslim ban or repealing Obamacare and replacing it with something worse, when Mr. Trump starts making crazy promises, it’s time to be vigilant.
RED – High Risk
Red typically signifies danger and that’s particularly so in the case of the White House. When President Trump repeatedly takes issue with his own people including Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway and just about every Cabinet member, even his closest advisors should beware and rely on such defenses as lying, pivoting and alternative facts. This threat level is usually preceded by an outbreak of outrageous pronouncements such as Inaugural crowd size exaggerations, Electoral College victory mismeasurements and erroneous statutory enactment claims.
ORANGE – Severe Risk
Unlike the original five-color system, the Trump Security Advisory Determinator places orange at the top of the scale for obvious reasons. When Homeland Security raises the threat level to orange, reporters, newscasters and Democrats are advised to take all necessary precautions and immediately seek shelter. In fact, everyone should probably take cover in anticipation of probable extreme Tweetstorms.
Rumor has it that if the resurrected color-coded system catches on, the Department of Homeland Security may fine-tune its scale to more accurately delineate the potential risks to the country. For example, GOLD may indicate an upcoming surfeit of visits by Mr. Trump to his various hotels, resorts and golf courses. SILVER could warn the public about imminent questionable profiting by the President from his office. BLACK could point to expanded international crises and a possible End of Days. And finally, WHITE could denote public surrender or maybe, just maybe, the commencement of impeachment proceedings.