Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Big Bird Gets the Boot

“I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.....I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too [Jim Lehrer]. But I’m not going to....keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for.”

- Mitt Romney - October 3, 2012

“I like being able to fire people....”

- Mitt Romney - January 9, 2012

Andrea, please show Mr. Bird in.

Big Bird, gosh, it’s good to see you. I’m a big fan. All my boys are big fans, too. Watched you for years. Can I call you Big?

Now Big, I think you know why I asked you here today. No? Well let me explain.

You see, I’m the President now. Yes, I won the election and that makes me the boss, the CEO if you will. Kind of like Jim Henson was for you.

What that means is I’ve got to run our country like a business and that means no deficits. From now on, if we have to borrow money for a program, it’s got to pass the China test.

Now when I say “program”, I don’t mean a TV program. Make no mistake; I like your TV program, always have. But we can’t borrow money from China to subsidize “Sesame Street.” It just doesn’t make good fiscal sense.

Yes, we did borrow money from China to subsidize Wall Street but that’s a different story.

Why if it had been up to me, we wouldn’t have borrowed from China to subsidize any street and that includes “Sesame Street”, Wall Street and especially Easy Street, the place where 47% of Americans live.

Let’s cut to the chase, Big. You’re fired. But just because I’m a businessman and like firing people doesn’t mean I’m not compassionate. We’re prepared to offer you what I think is a very generous severance package: one full year of free bird seed and six months of healthcare coverage except, of course, for any preexisting conditions such as flightlessness or gigantism.

We’re not cold-hearted, Big. In fact, we’re going to provide you with three months of outplacement services that can help you find another job in a related field or provide you with training to qualify for a brand new job.

Gosh, have you thought about applying to be a team mascot? You know, most professional sports teams employ an oversized animal to entertain the fans. Maybe you could try the Baltimore Orioles or the Seattle Seahawks.

Yes, I appreciate that you’re getting on in years and you might not be up for all the running and jumping involved in being a team mascot. But I’m sure there are lots of other opportunities out there for an oversized yellow bird with your talents. I understand that Walmart needs greeters and restaurant chains like Popeyes and KFC are always looking for birds.

If worst comes to worst, you can always retire. Don’t forget; there’s social security and your PBS pension to fall back on. Oh, gosh, my mistake. Well at least for now there’s still social security.

There, there, Bird, no more tears; dry those eyes. It’s not that bad. Why earlier today I had to fire Oscar the Grouch and to revoke the Swedish Chef’s work visa. So, believe me, it could be a whole lot worse.

Thanks again for coming. As I said, I’m a big fan. So no hard feelings, OK? Mr. Ryan here will take you back to your nest to collect your things and then escort you to the front door. We’ll be in touch.

Andrea, could you tell the Cookie Monster to come in and then Jim Lehrer?

No comments: