TO: The President
RE: Next week’s media schedule
"The Today Show" - 8:10 A. M.
Live appearance on "The Today Show." Be sure to joke about Al Roker’s weight loss and congratulate him on his new healthy lifestyle. Speaking of health, etc., etc..... Fly back to Washington.
"The Ellen Show" - 10:15 A. M.
Brief satellite feed for "The Ellen Show" from the White House kitchen. Demonstrate for Ellen your healthy recipe for chicken fajitas. Speaking of health, yada, yada, yada.
"The Noon Show" - 12 Noon
Appear live on WDCA-TV’s noon show and guest host the weather segment. Point out current warming trends. Speaking of warming, outline administration’s latest plans to deal with global climate change.
"Movie Matinee" - 2 P. M.
Fill in for host on WETA-TV’s "Movie Matinee" and introduce today’s movie: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." Use spot to tout your plans to clean up politics in Washington. Be sure to stress how much you love Jimmy Stewart.
"Traffic Report" - 5 P. M.
Live feed to Chicago radio station WGN-AM to do their 4 P. M. traffic report. Be sure to note the increasing numbers of domestically produced cars on the road, undoubtedly due to the success of your "Cash for Clunkers" program.
"Dancing with the Stars" - 8 P. M.
Pre-taped appearance on tonight’s episode of "Dancing with the Stars." Thanks to Tom Delay’s unexpected retirement for unspecified dance-related charges, you were paired with professional dancer Cheryl Burke for a performance of the Washington two-step. After show airs, be sure to highlight the two major steps required to implement health care reform.
"Monday Night Football" - 9:30 P. M.
Brief satellite appearance on "Monday Night Football" at halftime of Carolina-Dallas game. Scripted banter with Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski about the difficulties in "quarterbacking" legislation through Congress. Stress how politics, like football, is a team sport and that we all need to be using the same playbook, etc., etc. Remember that new Cowboys Stadium has 20,000 square feet of video screen so go easy on the smile.
"The Jay Leno Show" - 10:20 P. M.
Videotaped segment for "The Jay Leno Show." Scripted jokes stress Jay’s revival after leaving "The Tonight Show" and your upcoming revival after slapping down the Republicans. Comments on Jay’s healthy appearance, his car collection and the temperature in the studio lead to discussions of healthcare, the auto industry and global warming.
(Final reminder: Don’t forget to practice your lines for upcoming cameo in the medical drama "Grey’s Anatomy." Still checking to see if we can change script to include reference to "single-payer public option.")