A leaked transcript of a recent D. C.-area therapy session:
DR. POLITICS: Come on in, Mr. Party. Lie down and let’s begin.
G. O. PARTY: Sure, doc, and thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
DR. POLITICS: Not a problem. I always have time for my regular patients. However, I note that I haven’t seen you in over eight years? How have you been?
G. O. PARTY: Not so good. I was doing great for the longest time and then all of a sudden I just lost it.
DR. POLITICS: When you say "lost it", what exactly do you mean?
G. O. PARTY: I mean I lost a majority in the Senate, a majority in the House and the presidency. About all I’ve got left are a few governorships and Rush Limbaugh.
DR. POLITICS: Wow! You’ve certainly been through some rough times.
G. O. PARTY: Yeah, and it’s not looking any brighter doc. What am I going to do?
DR. POLITICS: Now as I recall, you went through a similar experience back in the nineties. Is that right? Maybe we can learn something from how you handled that depression.
G. O. PARTY: Yes I did but that was different. Back then, I sometimes had a House majority and, even though I didn’t have the presidency, I had ways of coping.
DR. POLITICS: Jog my memory, G. O. How did you cope back then?
G. O. PARTY: Well I just kept digging up dirt on the incumbent and calling him out on all his sexual improprieties. It was easy and, to tell you the truth, it was a lot of fun. But these days, that doesn’t work at all.
DR. POLITICS: How so?
G. O. PARTY: You see, doc, even though this new guy’s from Chicago, he’s clean as a whistle. I just can’t get any dirt on him. In fact, this time, it’s my friends who keep getting caught with their pants down. It’s downright depressing.
DR. POLITICS: Maybe it’s time to change tactics, G. O. Rather than trying to undermine the other side, perhaps you’d do better if you concentrated on yourself, came up with some new ideas and adopted a more positive attitude..
G. O. PARTY: That’s easy for you to say doc but, honestly, I haven’t had a new idea in years and I’m not sure I’ve got any to offer. How about "More war and less tax"?
DR. POLITICS: No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. Why not hold a policy convention and create a new platform? Or how about working with the other side to come up with some constructive compromises? You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you try to help others.
G. O. PARTY: I don’t know, doc. I really miss the Bush years. We got to do and say whatever we wanted to and we didn’t have to be nice to anyone. Why can’t things be like that again?
DR. POLITICS: I’m sorry but I see that our time is up. I suggest we book a series of appointments to work on your issues, G. O. Are you free for the next eight years?