Everything's Coming Up Obama

In the midst of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, President-elect Barack Obama is doing all he can to keep the country’s spirits up. He has helped Americans deal with these troubled times through the sheer force of distraction. In particular, it seems that we just can’t get enough about his family’s decision of what kind of puppy to get for The White House.

It turns out that the upcoming canine selection is not just an idle and carefree exercise conducted by America’s First Family. Rather, it is part of a long-term plan to keep Americans occupied with matters cuddly and cute in the face of what could be the nastiest economic downturn in several generations. Recently revealed documentation indicates that there are several stages in "Operation Canine", the first of which has already been put into place, namely the announcement of the acquisition of a First Puppy.

When the timing is right, The White House will let the public know the type of breeds under consideration. If the economy further plummets, that announcement will be followed up quickly with the selection of the actual dog. And if that does not do enough to keep everyone entertained amidst a sea of bad news, the puppy-naming process will begin. If things deteriorate further, Obama may, in fact, exercise the national puppy-naming contest option for maximum amusement and distraction effect.

But "Operation Canine" is not the only federal program that can be used as a feel-good initiative in the face of troubled times. If, for any reason, the new White House puppy dog does not keep citizens sufficiently preoccupied, Obama is apparently prepared to launch "Operation Feline", a multi-stage plan to find what has been called the "cutest little kitty" in the nation.

Realizing that pet acquisition has its limitations, Obama also has under consideration a number of other initiatives with maximum "cuteness" and "ahh-inducing" ratings. In particular, the president-in-waiting has indicated to his advisors that, if things get worse, he will not hesitate to implement "Operation Gumdrops and Hot Chocolate." Within days, the new administration will be in a position to mobilize forces across the country to ensure everyone gets some gumdrops and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

The array of options is staggering. In the unlikely event that gumdrops and hot chocolate do not assuage the American public, look for the rapid deployment of another domestic initiative entitled "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows." Every mailbox in the nation will receive a personalized card bearing a picture of the sun on the front, a rainbow on the back and an actual lollipop inside.

However bad the economy gets, it appears that the new Obama administration is prepared to do whatever it takes to distract Americans from its deleterious effects. Warehouses are already filling up with bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens and millions of brown paper packages tied up with strings. Contacts have reportedly already been made with China at the highest diplomatic levels to ensure a ready supply of baby pandas in the unlikely event that they are needed on an emergency basis. No word yet on whether Michelle Obama has signed on to "Operation New Baby" as the final fail-safe program.