The Epistle From Steve

Christians have long been relying on the Book of Revelations for signs of the coming apocalypse. But a recently discovered apocryphal text entitled the Epistle from Steve may be a more accurate guide to the future as shown by these eerily predictive verses:

Chapter 1, verses 6-7
"When will we know that the time has come?" cried the people. But Jesus would not answer them directly but spoke only in riddles.
"You will know that my return is at hand when you have twice elected the one who should not be elected," said Jesus. "And you have finally repented and learned the error of your ways."

Chapter 2, verses 2-4
And Jesus said that the signs of his return would be many. "The world will be fraught with confusion," said the Lord. "You will not know if an apple is an apple or a phone. You will no longer see through all Windows. And a Facebook will be neither face nor book."

Chapter 3, verse 4
And it came to pass in the eighth year of the reign of W that there were two men vying for the king’s chair, one an ancient senator with white hair and hot temper and another who was half American and half African yet not African-American.

Chapter 6, verses 11-12
And God gave the people a sign to know when the time of reckoning would be nigh. He would send a prophet to the twice-named city by the sea. And the prophet would hold a Rod in his hand and would kneel before the Madonna. Yet the Madonna would not see the Rod.
One named Peter would fall from grace and become estranged from his wife named Christie. His sins of the flesh would be many and would be broadcast to the assembled multitudes.

Chapter 7, verses 16-17
Verily, the sound of the markets falling was deafening. And even though the rulers intervened, the marketplace could not be saved.
Lo, behold the ones that have failed the Lord for they will be buried beneath the rubble of the marketplace. Their names are legion but chief among them are Fannie and Freddie. And God spoke unto them and said: "A house of subprime mortgages cannot stand."

Chapter 9, verses 22-24
And the crowd gathered before Jesus and begged him to anoint them with oil. And Jesus did anoint each of them in turn because the oil was cheap and plentiful.
"Be this your blessing," said the Lord. "But beware that the day will come when the oil will be rare and only those of wealth will be anointed."
But the people laughed and could not believe what Jesus was saying for surely the oil would last forever.