NOVEMBER 4, 2008
It’s official. Dirk Cheney has won the 2008 U. S. Presidential election. Contacted at his home in Lexington, Kentucky, Mr. Cheney expressed surprise and dismay.
"I really don’t know what to say," said the retired back-hoe operator. "I didn’t even know I was running. I sure hope this don’t affect my pension."
Apparently Mr. Cheney’s unexpected victory was the direct result of the no-bid contract given last December to Haliburton to provide the electronic voting machines for this year’s election. At a hastily called press conference, company spokesperson I. M. Rich did his best to explain the surprising turn of events.
"Without prejudging Dirk Cheney’s qualifications for The White House," said Mr. Rich. "It does seem a bit odd that a heretofore unknown retired construction worker could be elected to the highest office in the nation."
When asked to comment on the strange coincidence that the new President-elect’s last name is the same as that of the current Vice President, Mr. Rich replied with a terse "No comment."
The fact that Dirk Cheney tallied roughly twice as many votes as both John McCain and Barack Obama has raised suspicions even among the news media.
"Something seems fishy," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Although I can’t quite put my finger on it."
FOX News has so far been silent on the issue although Sean Hannity reportedly is warming to the idea of President Dirk Cheney.
"So long as it’s not that jerk Obama," said Hannity. "I’m OK with just about anybody else."
Apart from the news media, speculation is rampant that Haliburton may have rigged the electronic voting machines to allow for an automatic write-in vote for Vice President Cheney. Mr. Rich denies that this happened but a recently leaked company memo suggests otherwise. The memo in question is marked TOP SECRET and details plans to alter the configuration of the voting machines to allow for every second vote to automatically default to "Dirk Cheney."
But for the minor typo, it appears that Vice President Cheney might have won the election in a landslide. However, all is not lost for the Vice President since he has reportedly placed a call to his namesake Dirk Cheney offering to fill the second spot in the new Administration.
"Hell, who needs to be President," said Dick Cheney. "So long as I’m Vice President, I can still run the country."