The Upside of Global Warming

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has issued its ominous report on global warming. Predictably, the loonies on the left have cranked up the volume on their ongoing disaster broadcast. And chief among their villains are the members of the corporate community who they paint as the irresponsible merchants of doom.

All this wringing of hands, pointing of fingers and gnashing of teeth is, of course, pure balderdash. It matters little who created this false crisis. The more important question is: "What’s in it for me?"

If capitalism has taught us anything it’s that every cloud has a silver lining, that lemons are perfect for making lemonade and that "disaster" is just an anagram for "opportunity". Well, maybe that last one isn’t literally true but I think you get the idea.

The polar ice cap is melting? Stop whining and start cheering. That means we’ll finally have that lucrative Northwest Passage ancient explorers had been futilely searching for for centuries.

Increasing temperatures in northern climes? Who in their right mind would complain about that? Yes, we’ll have a few more deserts but there’s bound to be a longer growing season, too, right? And if it gets too hot, we’ll just circle the earth with giant mirrors.

More and more species becoming extinct? Hey, that’s life or, in this case, death. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Plus it’ll make it way easier for kids studying botany and zoology.

More intense and damaging storms? That may be true but they’ll apparently also be less frequent. I don’t know about you but I prefer one big hit every few years to several smaller ones. And think of the boost this will give to the meteorology, construction and insurance industries.

Rising sea levels threatening coastal residents? Come on now. For anyone who’s visited Venice, this can’t help but look like a moneymaker. Gondola rides down Broadway in New York City? Downtown water parks in L. A.? Can you say "booming economy"?

Enough with the naysaying nervous Nellies. Sure global warming sounds like a scary nightmare. But, as far as I can see, it’s just another capitalist dream.

After all, what does the free market system do when resources are scarce? That’s right; it moves on to the next exploitable source.

So don’t fret. Even if all those doomsday scenarios do come to pass, our corporate leaders will adapt. Remember; the last time I looked, there were still plenty of planets out there just waiting to be developed.