Friday, February 23, 2007

The Fillmores

February is prime time for awards ceremonies with the presentation of both the Grammys and the Oscars. Few people are aware, however, that February is also when the annual awards for outstanding achievement in politics are handed out. Last week’s Fillmore awards were hosted by Henry Kissinger and, for those who missed it, here are this year’s winners:

Best supporting role as a political party
The Democrats in the 2006 mid-term elections.

Most presidential President
The nominees included (1) George W. Bush, (2) Bill Clinton and (3) Jimmy Carter. And the winner was Josiah Bartlett, still the best president America never had.

Blackest Democratic presidential candidate
Vying for the award were (1) Jesse Jackson, (2) Al Sharpton and (3) Barack Obama. The winner for the twelfth straight year was Bill Clinton.

Best tax cut
The nominees were (1) George W. Bush’s ten-year, trillion dollar tax cut, (2) George W. Bush’s repeal of the estate tax and (3) George W. Bush’s elimination of the tax on dividends. And the winners were.....George W. Bush and the American upper class.

Best excuse for engaging in unilateral, extraterritorial, geopolitical excursions
The nominees included (1) weapons of mass destruction, (2) brutal dictatorship and (3) treaty violations. And the unanimous winner was "oil."

Evilest axis of evil: Iran and North Korea, tie

Evilest non-elected foreign leader
The winner was Osama bin Laden. Mr. bin Laden could not be present for the awards ceremony. Accepting on Mr. bin Laden’s behalf was Noam Chomsky.

Most confusing trio of foreign nations: Iran, Iraq and North Korea

Runners up: (1) Niger, Nigeria and Namibia, (2) Togo, Tonga and Tobago and (3) Turkmenistan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.

Best superpower: The United States. Runners up: none.

Best political acting in a non-elected role
The nominees included (1) Sean Penn, (2) Barbra Streisand and (3) Warren Beatty. And the Fillmore went to George W. Bush.

Best political source for late night comedians: George W. Bush. The runners up were (1) John Kerry, (2) Dick Cheney and (3) Dennis Kucinich.

Best political source for late night comedians - lifetime achievement award: Bill Clinton

Most frequently invoked religious figure in a political setting
The nominees included (1) Jesus Christ, (2) Mohammed and (3) Moses. And the winner was God. God was not present to accept the award but asked that all those invoking His name for political purposes go straight to Hell.

Most violated political document: The U.S. Constitution

Due to the absence of qualified candidates, the "Most compassionate conservative award" was not presented this year.

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