Wednesday, August 09, 2006


The use of performance-enhancing drugs has been an ongoing problem in many professional sports. San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds is rumored to be on steroids and now Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for excessive testosterone.

But drugs are not just a problem in the sports world. The political denizens of Washington, D. C. have reportedly also been abusing certain performance-enhancing pharmaceutical products to get an artificial advantage. Products like these:

President Bush has been rumored to be taking large doses of the performance-enhancing drug hubrisin. Taken in small doses, hubrisin adds a barely-perceptible extra patina of self-confidence to any political actor. But taken to excess, it can result in profligate spending and irrational unilateral invasions. Signs of abuse include statements like "Wanted dead or alive", "Bring it on" and "Mission accomplished." Unlike anabolic steroids, hubrisin only builds ego, not muscle mass.

Suspected of having moved her political posture to the right, Hillary Clinton recently tested positive for the drug conservatol. Generally easy to detect, conservatol quickly produces non-liberal positions on everything from abortion to immigration. Side effects include repeated denials and a marked increase in sanctimony.

Donald Rumsfeld is believed to be a longtime user of neo-conservatol, a powerful drug that produces great confidence but also results in narrowed international long range sight. The user’s peripheral vision becomes so clouded that such things as historical background and root causes become completely invisible. In Mr. Rumsfeld’s case, the drug appears to have particularly affected his middle eastern vision.

This is a long-acting, time-released medication which is often used to artificially resuscitate a dead political career. As with other hallucinogenics, pheonixon was originally popular in the 60s with such users as Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. It is enjoying a resurgence of use in recent months with people like Al Gore, John Kerry and Joe Lieberman reputed to be frequent abusers.

Shotguntrinone is a rare anabolic steroid reportedly favored by those such as Vice President Cheney who like to shoot first and ask questions later. Usually injected as a one per cent solution, shotguntrinone typically results in rapid aggressive use of arms both at home and abroad. Friends of users should give them a wide berth particularly when hunting for small game birds.

Inhuman Growth Hormone
Inhuman growth hormone or IGH is a powerful political drug that inhibits the growth of the human conscience. Long favored by political handlers and backroom operatives, it is reputed to be the drug of choice of Karl Rove. Signs of overuse include repeated ethical rationalizations and a marked preference for something called "swift boating."

Diplomamine is an amphetamine-like drug used to stimulate those active in the diplomatic process. Thought to be used by Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, diplomamine gives a powerful rush of energy allowing the user to participate in ongoing rounds of urgent negotiations for weeks on end. Unfortunately, although the user feels as if she is saying and doing something meaningful, in reality she tends to simply repeat the same words and pattern over and over again.

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