Friday, August 04, 2006

Arrested Duck

LAPD officials reportedly locked up the deputy’s narrative describing Mel Gibson’s outbursts during his arrest for drunk driving. Nevertheless, the details leaked out. Apparently this is a common occurrence in L. A. as evidenced by this recently leaked narrative from an arrest last year of another well-known Hollywood star:

Suspect’s car was clocked at twice the legal limit before being pulled over. Approached car and asked suspect to get out. Suspect opened driver’s door and began shouting: "What the hell are you doing? Don’t you know who I am?"

Asked suspect to remain calm and produce identification. Had no identification on him. In fact, suspect was covered with feathers and had no clothes at all. When confronted with this observation, suspect became indignant and said: "Of course I’m wearing no clothes. I’m a duck, for crissakes!"

Asked suspect to identify himself and he replied: "I’m Daffy Duck, you jerk! Are you blind?"

Mr. Duck appeared to be inebriated. Directed him to blow into breathalyzer but he was unable to comply. Claimed his beak made it physically impossible to produce sample.

Asked Mr. Duck to perform standard sobriety tests. Could not touch each hand to his nose probably because he has neither hands nor nose as such. Instead got Mr. Duck to try walking in a straight line with one foot in front of the other. Suspect staggered wildly on first attempt and remarked belligerently: "Can’t you see? I’ve got webbed feet, you idiot! You try walking with a pair of flippers on! Swimming in a straight line; now that I can do."

Directed Mr. Duck into the back seat of patrol car. Suspect was uncooperative and physical force had to be employed. He objected vociferously stating: "You’re not a toon. You’re one of those freaking humans, aren’t you? Humans run this town. Those Warner brothers and that bastard Disney never gave a crap about us!"

Drove Mr. Duck to station house and prepared initial arrest report. Chose to forego handcuffs particularly since wings were difficult to restrain. Suspect continued loud diatribe: "Humans started all the wars! You’ve never seen a toon start a war, have you?"

Mr. Duck released on his own recognizance into the custody of one P. Pig who left with the suspect after announcing: "That’s all folks!"

No comments: