TO: Mel Gibson
FROM: Izzie Cohen
Smith, Brown & Miller Public Relations Inc.
Sorry to hear about the DUI arrest. Tough break, kid, but don’t worry. These things tend to blow over pretty quickly.
Of course, the big problem is your observations about those of the Jewish persuasion. That’s going to take a little more work.
Bob Miller passed your file to me and here’s a preliminary outline of what I have in mind for you.
First, stay away from the old "some of my friends are Jewish" schtick. That’s old hat and just doesn’t play well anymore. Hell, I’m Jewish and I can’t even claim that.
What I suggest instead is to check the family tree. Try to locate someone, anyone, who was Jewish and related to you. If you don’t know any Hebraic descendants, you could always ask your dad.
Failing that, you might want to take on a few Jew-friendly movie projects. How about a biopic about Ariel Sharon? Or maybe even a holocaust-themed musical? You know, a kind of "The Passion of the Christ" meets "Fiddler on the Roof."
If you really want to get on the Jews’ good side, I suggest you open your own restaurant. I’m picturing Mel’s Kosher Deli on Sunset Boulevard. Who can knock a goy who sells blintzes and knishes?
Which brings me to your language. How about spicing it up with a bit of Yiddish? Nothing fancy, mind you. But the occasional reference to toches, goyim and mashugga will help put you in tight with the Tribe.
One sure-fire approach to attaining Judenfreude is to show support for Israel. You don’t have to go too public on this one. Just send out Hanukkah cards this year telling the recipients that you planted a tree in Israel in their name. Trust me; word will get around.
If all else fails, you could always convert. I know it’s been done before (see Sammy Davis, Jr., Madonna, et al.) but it still can be very effective, especially if you go all the way (e.g. - peyos, kipot and a kosher kitchen). If you need the name of a good mohel in Malibu, let me know.
If you like my plan, gimme a call, Mel. I can have things up and running in a couple of days and, guaranteed, you’ll be back making movies before you can say "Oy vey!"
P. S. - One small piece of advice, friend to friend: lay off telling jokes with a fake German accent for the time being.