TO: Robert Greenblatt, Chairman, NBC Entertainment
FROM: Donald J. Trump
Bob, I have a fantastic idea for a new TV show that I think you’re going to love. You know how we spun-off The Apprentice into The Celebrity Apprentice and squeezed out seven more seasons of profits for you and me?
Well now I have a can’t-miss proposal for what I’m calling The President’s Apprentice. I don’t know if you heard but I was elected the CEO of the United States, a great position called President. Can you believe it?
Anyway, as President, I have all these people looking to me for employment or legislative support. Did you know there are three branches of government – legislative, judicial and executive – and apparently I get to make all the hiring decisions for the executive? Except for Mike Pence who’s my Executive VP and can’t be fired. But that’s OK because Mike has no real power and basically does whatever I tell him to do.
The beauty of my new proposal is that we already have Season 1 in the can and, if I do say so myself, it’s tremendous. In the early episodes, I choose different people to man my Administrative Team and what I call my Cabinet Team.
My Administrative Team included all manner of terrific folks, many of whom helped me become the CEO of the United States. Folks like Mike Flynn, Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Reince Preibus. Then there’s the Cabinet Team who oversee particular government departments and supposedly have specific expertise but usually don’t.
Every week, I come up with all kinds of wacky assignments for the contestants on the two teams. The tasks are basically impossible to carry out so it ensures that I’ll always have the opportunity to fire one or more people.
You can see for yourself how this works when you look at the episodes from Season 1. Here are just a few of the unsuccessful tasks that I assigned:
1) repeal and replace Obamacare,
2) implement tax cuts for the middle class,
3) build a wall along the Mexican border and make Mexico pay for it, and
4) create a Muslim immigration ban that doesn’t explicitly target Muslims.
And not to worry; I’ve got a whole bunch of new tasks for Season 2. Tasks like:
1) prosecute and imprison Hillary Clinton,
2) fire Bob Mueller (this is a tough one),
3) come up with new insults for Little Rocket Man,
4) set up CREEP - The Committee to Re-elect the President,
5) appoint a new rightwing judge for the Supreme Court,
6) sell off Puerto Rico, and
7) shut down the gun control nuts.
I’ve already demonstrated that when the show threatens to get a bit boring, I can shake it up by doing something a little “crazy” or just firing off a couple of tweets. I can also spice things up by alternating shooting locations between The White House and my fabulous resort at Mar-a-Lago. And don’t worry about the costs, Bob; it’s all on the public dime.
I think you can see that the possibilities (or impossibilities, if you will) are endless. With any luck, we can stretch this show out for eight seasons. In Season 2, for example, we’re planning to play up the Russia connection. It’s all fake news but it really boosts the ratings and my pal Vlad doesn’t mind playing along.
As an added bonus, there’s an insurance policy for you built right into the show. If I have to leave for any reason, Mike Pence becomes President and you just carry on with the next season.