Saturday, January 26, 2013
The Church of O
Many had doubted the power of the one called Armstrong despite his powerful sounding name. They badgered and hectored him and accused him of using unfair advantage to achieve his vaunted throne.
The Cycling King denied the charges claiming innocence and a pure heart. He said that he did not use rare physics and potions and was truly deserving of all the trophies and medals awarded unto him. Yet many still doubted and some even denied him his titles.
With nowhere else to turn, the one called Lance had but once choice left. The hour had come to visit Oprah, to unburden his soul and receive redemption from the great redeemer.
The Cycling King entered the well-lit confessional and sat before the great Oprah where he donned the robe of humility and the raiment of truth. Neither garment sat well upon him but he tried as best he could to make them fit.
Like many of his generation before him, Armstrong admitted his transgressions bringing forth tears upon his countenance. Yet the admissions seemed lacking in candor and Oprah admonished the Cycling King for his reticence and vagaries.
“It is a moment of high emotion,” said Oprah. “One tinged with regret, some truth and unbelievable ratings. But I sense you do not come before me in full confessional mode.”
“If you seek total absolution, my son, then you must prostrate yourself before me and make amends for the wrongs you have committed. As Rhianna and David Letterman and James Frey before you have done, you must lay bare your soul.”
Lance tried as best he could to be contrite. Alas, because of accusers in the courts of the land and in the courts of other lands, he was constrained from telling all he might have told.
“But even half a confession is better than none,” said Oprah. “And we will show the people the second segment of our meeting tomorrow night in hopes that you can reveal more and, in doing so, return my Neilsen ratings to their previous wondrous levels.”
And as Lance rose from his seat and readied himself to leave, Oprah reached out and touched him and gave him a partial blessing.
“It is the least I can do for a suffering soul,” said Oprah. “For you are trying and, in so doing, you have assured a return visit at some later date when we might once again bring millions into my Church.”