Toryleaks

In light of the continuing controversy over Bill C-30, the Protecting Children from Internet Predators Act, Canada’s Conservative Government® has decided to introduce the following additional pieces of legislation:

The Protecting Members of Parliament from Twitter Fanatics Act

Prime Minister Harper has taken personal ownership of this new bill and hopes to see early passage. The primary purpose is to exempt Canadian parliamentarians from any mention on Twitter posts anywhere in the world.

“It’s just common sense,” said the Prime Minister. “MPs cannot carry out their very important functions if every aspect of their lives is broadcast through such frivolous media. How can they be expected to concentrate on the tasks of running the country if they have to answer to all manner of public documents and factual statements?”

The Protection of the Sanctity of Marriage Act

In keeping with their pro-family agenda, Canada’s Conservative Government® has deemed it necessary to take measures to protect the institution of marriage. Justice Minister Rob Nicholson states that this bill is a necessary follow-up to the legalization of same-sex marriage.

“While we may not have supported same-sex marriage initially,” says Minister Nicholson. “Now that it is a reality, we consider it important to provide certain protections to all marriages, be they heterosexual, homosexual or asexual.”

Those protections include a ban on the publication of any particulars of divorce proceedings. “To ensure that the institution of marriage continues to be held in high regard,” said Nicholson. “It only makes sense to restrict reference to anything that might have to do with marriage breakdown.”

Apparently Mr. Nicholson was heard to say that if you’re not for this bill then you’re against all forms of marriage including gay marriage.

The Announcement of New Legislation When the Prime Minister is in Canada Act

The aim of this bill appears to be twofold. First, the government wants to ensure that the Prime Minister no longer announces his government’s legislative intent while overseas in such places as Switzerland and China. As noted by Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird: “The Prime Minister should leave it to me to make dumb statements or hug cute panda bears while out of the country.”

Second, the government wants to ensure that any ministers of the Crown hold off on public comment on proposed legislation under their purview until the Prime Minister is back from any foreign trips. This latter provision, known as the Toews Amendment, will ensure that a minister cannot unilaterally take any action or make any incendiary statement without first clearing it with the Prime Minister.

The Avoid Helicopters At All Costs Act

This bill is specifically directed at the Minister of National Defence and spells out unequivocally the minister’s obligation to avoid anything to do with unwinged motorized aviation devices. That means avoiding any purchases of helicopters, any rides in helicopters and even any mention of helicopters, choppers, eggbeaters or whirlybirds.

When asked to comment on the proposed legislation, current National Defense Minster Peter MacKay demurred stating off the record that he was afraid that even referencing the bill might get him into more hot water.

The I’m the Boss and Do As I Say Act

The Prime Minister has decided to also champion this new bill. “I think some of my ministers still aren’t clear on the nature of their portfolios and the extent of their ministerial power,” said Mr. Harper. “If they had any doubts before, this bill will make it abundantly clear who’s in charge.”

Some observers have questioned the need for this particular piece of legislation given the Prime Minister’s current iron grip on all aspects of the governing process. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to formalize the status quo,” Treasury Board President Stockwell Day was heard to say. “But I won’t get in trouble for saying that, will I?”

The Liberals and NDP are Big Crybabies Act

This bill has no actual monetary or punitive provisions. Much like the Multiculturalism Act, the Liberals and NDP are Big Crybabies Act is simply a recitation of principles dear to the hearts of some Canadians and all Conservatives.

The short form title of the bill is the Opposition Sucks Act and it contains ten sections comprising a litany of right-wing complaints against the Tories’ opponents. Informally referred to as the Ten Commandments, they include such articles of faith as “They’re all socialists”, “All they do is tax and spend”, “They’re all bleeding hearts” and, of course, “Trudeau sucks.”

Dear Primary Care Provider

A medical advice column for those suffering on the presidential primary campaign trail:

Dear Primary Care Provider:

I am clearly the best qualified candidate but I’m having trouble getting people to vote for me. I’m a bit overweight and some say I have excess baggage. But there’s nothing wrong with my ego and my presidential ambitions are as healthy as ever. What can I do to improve my political health?

Speaker Newt

Dear Speaker Newt:

Sometimes even a healthy ego can be overinflated which can be damaging to one’s political constitution. It wouldn’t hurt to scale back on your self-regard a touch and take a daily dose or two of humility.

As for your weight problem and excess baggage, if you can’t drop a few pounds, at least cover up any unseemly bulges. Try turning past liabilities into assets by dressing them up. For example, three marriages can be positively characterized as a lifelong commitment to serial monogamy.

If you still want to be around in November, don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s one thing to promise the moon in Florida but it may not fly in Maine or Nevada.

Primary Care Provider

Dear Primary Care Provider:

I’ve been running for almost five years now and I still seem to have problems finishing. Everyone says I look great and my fiscal health has never been better. But when it comes to my electability, there seems to be something missing. What more can I do?

Governor Mitt

Dear Governor Mitt:

First, I want to commend you for having the courage to talk about electoral dysfunction. Not all men are comfortable with this topic.

Oftentimes, electability issues are evident when we examine a patient’s family history. For example, maybe you have inherited your father’s political problems. Was he a governor like you? Did he belong to a quirky, non-traditional religion? Was he a failed presidential candidate?

If you feel you’re stuck, it may be a good idea to change your political positions. It has often been said that moderation is the key to good health but that doesn’t always apply to one’s political well-being. Have you tried switching to a more conservative approach? Just be careful not to change positions too quickly or too often or you may end up suffering a severe case of the flip-flops.

Primary Care Provider

Dear Primary Care Provider:

I’m 76 years old and some say I have the constitution of the Energizer bunny. I keep running and running and I can run forever.

Unfortunately, all that running hasn’t translated into good test results. My numbers always seem to be in the low teens and I can’t make that primary breakthrough I so desperately need. Is there some new approach you can recommend to boost my flagging polling numbers?

Congressman Ron

Dear Congressman Ron:

I understand that you, too, are a doctor so I’m going to give you some straight medical advice. In most endeavors, consistency and dedication are desirable qualities. But politics is different.

You are to be commended for sticking to your principles and philosophy no matter what crazy positions they force you to adopt. But to achieve political health, you not only have to appeal to yourself; you also have to appeal to others.

Thus you may want to soften your stance on certain issues. Have you considered adopting a program of Libertarian Lite? If that’s not for you, I strongly suggest forming a third party. You may not achieve your desired result but you’ll almost certainly stop your opponents from doing so.

Primary Care Provider

Dear Primary Care Provider:

I’ve been suffering from a variety of political ailments for several years now. No matter how hard I try, my test numbers just won’t improve.

My unemployment numbers are way up, my GDP is down and my accumulated debt is off the charts. How can I get back in the pink?

President Barack

Dear President Barack:

First of all, when it comes to your political health, don’t say pink or red or anything even remotely socialistic.

Given your horrible numbers, usually I would recommend drastic action like taking the next four years off. But as bad as your results are, sometimes it’s good to remember that others are in worse shape than you.

I can’t say for sure but I suspect that if my other patients keep beating one another up for the next five or six months, you’ll do just fine in the only test that really matters: the one on November 6th.

Primary Care Provider