Monday, March 05, 2012

Dear Primary Care Provider

A medical advice column for those suffering on the presidential primary campaign trail:

Dear Primary Care Provider:
I am clearly the best qualified candidate but I’m having trouble getting people to vote for me. I’m a bit overweight and some say I have excess baggage. But there’s nothing wrong with my ego and my presidential ambitions are as healthy as ever. What can I do to improve my political health?
Speaker Newt

Dear Speaker Newt:
Sometimes even a healthy ego can be overinflated which can be damaging to one’s political constitution. It wouldn’t hurt to scale back on your self-regard a touch and take a daily dose or two of humility.
As for your weight problem and excess baggage, if you can’t drop a few pounds, at least cover up any unseemly bulges. Try turning past liabilities into assets by dressing them up. For example, three marriages can be positively characterized as a lifelong commitment to serial monogamy.
If you still want to be around in November, don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s one thing to promise the moon in Florida but it may not fly in Maine or Nevada.
Primary Care Provider

Dear Primary Care Provider:
I’ve been running for almost five years now and I still seem to have problems finishing. Everyone says I look great and my fiscal health has never been better. But when it comes to my electability, there seems to be something missing. What more can I do?
Governor Mitt

Dear Governor Mitt:
First, I want to commend you for having the courage to talk about electoral dysfunction. Not all men are comfortable with this topic.
Oftentimes, electability issues are evident when we examine a patient’s family history. For example, maybe you have inherited your father’s political problems. Was he a governor like you? Did he belong to a quirky, non-traditional religion? Was he a failed presidential candidate?
If you feel you’re stuck, it may be a good idea to change your political positions. It has often been said that moderation is the key to good health but that doesn’t always apply to one’s political well-being. Have you tried switching to a more conservative approach? Just be careful not to change positions too quickly or too often or you may end up suffering a severe case of the flip-flops.
Primary Care Provider
Dear Primary Care Provider:
I’m 76 years old and some say I have the constitution of the Energizer bunny. I keep running and running and I can run forever.
Unfortunately, all that running hasn’t translated into good test results. My numbers always seem to be in the low teens and I can’t make that primary breakthrough I so desperately need. Is there some new approach you can recommend to boost my flagging polling numbers?
Congressman Ron

Dear Congressman Ron:
I understand that you, too, are a doctor so I’m going to give you some straight medical advice. In most endeavors, consistency and dedication are desirable qualities. But politics is different.
You are to be commended for sticking to your principles and philosophy no matter what crazy positions they force you to adopt. But to achieve political health, you not only have to appeal to yourself; you also have to appeal to others.
Thus you may want to soften your stance on certain issues. Have you considered adopting a program of Libertarian Lite? If that’s not for you, I strongly suggest forming a third party. You may not achieve your desired result but you’ll almost certainly stop your opponents from doing so.
Primary Care Provider

Dear Primary Care Provider:
I’ve been suffering from a variety of political ailments for several years now. No matter how hard I try, my test numbers just won’t improve.
My unemployment numbers are way up, my GDP is down and my accumulated debt is off the charts. How can I get back in the pink?
President Barack

Dear President Barack:
First of all, when it comes to your political health, don’t say pink or red or anything even remotely socialistic.
Given your horrible numbers, usually I would recommend drastic action like taking the next four years off. But as bad as your results are, sometimes it’s good to remember that others are in worse shape than you.
I can’t say for sure but I suspect that if my other patients keep beating one another up for the next five or six months, you’ll do just fine in the only test that really matters: the one on November 6th.
Primary Care Provider

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