Wednesday, October 19, 2011

More Cherry Apologies

In an event rarer than a solar eclipse, Don Cherry has apologized. After tearing a strip off former tough guys Stu Grissom, Chris Nilan and Jim Thomson, calling them “hypocrites”, “pukes” and “turncoats”, the “Hockey Night in Canada” blowhard took it all back.

At first it was assumed that the apology was sincere and heartfelt. But given the threatened legal action by Messrs. Grissom, Nilan and Thomson, it appears that Mr. Cherry’s ‘mea culpa’ was more motivated by fear of financial loss than sincere regret. In fact, some other threatened lawsuits may explain these additional unexpected apologies from hockey’s most colorful commentator:


“I truly regret calling various Nordic hockey players ‘chicken Swedes’,” said Mr. Cherry. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Those guys are tough and can really play hard.” Cherry denies that his about face had anything to do with a cease-and-desist letter he received from the Stockholm law firm of Peterssen, Petersson & Pedersson. “I was wrong,” said Cherry. “Any of those guys can go into a corner with a dozen eggs in their pocket and some of them would definitely break.”

Ron MacLean

"Cripes, did he really think I was serious with all my comments about him?”, said Cherry. “I was just kidding around, that’s all.” Apparently MacLean could take no more and engaged the services of the Toronto law firm Bleedum Drye to make his case. “OK, so he’s not a sniveling little butt kisser,” said Cherry. “If that’s what he needs to hear to make this lawsuit go away, then so be it.”

Bobby Orr

“This one breaks my heart,” said Cherry. “I love the guy; I really do and now I’ve gotta deny my love.” Apparently the greatest defenseman to ever play the game had reached his limit with expressions of love from his former pal Grapes. “It hurts to say it,” said a tearful Cherry. “But I apologize for any hugs, kisses or other expressions of affection directed towards Mr. Orr and I will never embrace or embarrass him again.”


“I didn’t know that ‘pinko’ was a bad word,” said Cherry. “I just figured those bicycle riders like the color pink and that’s why you call them pinkos. I’m truly sorry for any offense I may have caused and I will never use that word again.” Asked to comment on the NDP’s platform and recent electoral success at the federal level, Don Cherry declined. “I’m staying mum when it comes to those guys although I think all you kids at home can guess what my real opinion might be.”

The Canadian Apparel Federation

“I can’t lie,” said Cherry. “This one really hurts.” The former Boston coach was talking about his apology to the entire Canadian menswear and fashion industry wherein he undertook to stop wearing any more outrageous suits and shirts. “I’m sorry if my clothing choices caused any damage to the haberdashery sector of this great country of ours,” said the style-challenged former coach. “I honestly thought I looked great in those outfits. Now I know better.”

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