Diefenbastard

“A museum dedicated to John Diefenbaker has decided to give a man who suspects he's the former prime minister's only child access to its artifacts for DNA testing.”

- The Canadian Press - 16/9/2011

Toronto native George Dryden is on a mission to prove that he is, in fact, the illegitimate son of Canada’s 13th prime minister. If nothing else, Mr. Dryden’s feistiness and dogged determination suggest that he may well be John Diefenbaker’s son.

But it turns out that Mr. Dryden is not the only potential illegitimate child of a recent Canadian leader. Rumor has it that the following people may also have illegitimate links to 24 Sussex:

Fred Wilson

This Ottawa native may be the love child of former prime minister Joe Clark. One anonymous source suggests that the polite, soft-spoken thirty-one-year-old was conceived on December 13, 1979, the very day that Mr. Clark’s minority government was defeated, nine months less a day since he took power. At the time, Mr. Clark’s defeat was blamed on his inability to do math but instead it may have occurred because of a secret assignation with one Enid Wilson in the Parliamentary cloak room. Nine months less a day later, Ms. Wilson gave birth to a baby boy with a distinctive receding chin.

Unlike George Dryden, Fred Wilson has not made any attempts to establish his true parentage. “Mr. Clark seems like a very nice man,” said Mr. Wilson. “And I assume he’s very busy. It wouldn’t really be right to bother him about such a minor matter, would it now?”

Gilles Lalonde

The 26-year-old from Montreal apparently has a strong case for claiming Brian Mulroney as his father. Not only is Mr. Lalonde the spitting image of Canada’s 18th prime minister, his mother, former Mulroney housekeeper Giselle Lalonde, has confirmed a brief relationship with her former boss.

Yet Mr. Lalonde has not pursued the matter further. In fact, the smooth-talking, lantern-jawed Montrealer has adamantly denied that Mr. Mulroney is his biological father. “I’ve got a nice little restaurant business here in Montreal,” said Mr. Lalonde. “If it was ever established that I’m a Mulroney, I could lose half my customers overnight. I’ve got nothing against the guy but, heck, I’ve gotta make a living.”

Phyllis Smith

Calgary is home to this 21-year-old aspiring accountant who, with her ski-slope nose and slight midriff bulge, bears an uncanny likeness to our current prime minister. DNA testing has, in fact, established that Ms. Smith is Stephen Harper’s daughter. However, since Phyllis Smith’s mother Brenda has adamantly denied being even a ten-foot pole length away from Mr. Harper, the biological connection was, until recently, a mystery.

“My mom says she’d rather sleep with a rattlesnake than Stephen Harper,” said Phyllis Smith. “And I believe her.” But there is a simple explanation. It turns out that there was a slight mixup with donor samples at a Calgary fertility clinic 22 years ago and the rest is history.

Jacques Strappe

Shawinigan native Jacques Strappe has long believed that he might be distantly related to Canada’s 20th prime minister Jean Chretien. After all, Mr. Strappe bears a definite resemblance to Mr. Chretien and has the same inability to speak either of Canada’s official languages. But he never guessed that he might actually be a son of the former prime minister.

“For me, pepper, I put it on my plate and I don’t mind if it’s proved that I’m Mr. Chretien’s son,” said Mr. Strappe. “A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It’s a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it’s because it’s proven.”

Kim Turner

Perhaps the strangest possible prime ministerial love child is Kim Turner of Vancouver, B.C. Rumor has it that Ms. Turner is not just the child of one prime minister but is, in fact, the spawn of two prime ministers.

Historians have often wondered how Kim Campbell managed to decimate a majority Tory government and reduce it to two members in the House of Commons back in 1993. Apparently her illicit affair with former prime minister John Turner and subsequent unreported pregnancy was the distraction that cost her and her party the election.

While the evidence of her twin prime ministerial parents is overwhelming, Kim Turner strongly denies any connection. “Hey,” said Ms. Turner. “Would you admit that you were related to those two losers? Let’s face it, I was in the womb longer than the two of them combined were prime minister.”