Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Beyond The Palin

"Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska abruptly announced on Friday that she was quitting at the end of the month, shocking Republicans across the country and leaving both parties uncertain about whether she was leaving national politics or laying the groundwork for a presidential run."
- The N. Y. Times - July 4. 2009

I know a lot of you were disappointed by my announcement on Friday. Many of you hoped that I would stay on as Governor, seek reelection and then make a run for The White House. That’s why I think that I owe you a fuller explanation.

I’ve loved serving the people of Alaska and making that great state even greater. But it’s time to move on and take on new challenges. I’m not sure what those challenges will be but let me outline some possibilities.

We’re thinking of leaving Alaska. Of course we love Alaska but we know that other states need us, too. States like New Hampshire.

New Hampshire is suffering right now. There’s high unemployment and folks there could really use our help. So we’re looking into moving to the Granite State sometime in 2011 and campaigning from Berlin to Nashua to help those folks out, especially the Republican ones.

That’s not to say we don’t care about Americans in other states. With Todd, Trig, Tripp, Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper, we could travel this great country of ours from coast to coast helpin’ folks in every state of the union.

We’re thinking of making it a two or three-year tour and not just to New Hampshire. Todd says we should also scope out Iowa, South Carolina, Florida and maybe even California. Who knows? We may just buy a big RV and move wherever the spirit takes us maybe even ending up in Indianapolis, Atlanta or San Antonio sometime in August of 2012.

As you’ve heard, I’ve already signed a book deal. So some of my time in the next couple of years will be taken up with writing the story of my amazing life to date. Or to be more accurate, editing the story of my amazing life to date that’s being written by a very talented ghostwriter.

In order to edit an accurate account of my life, I’m going to have to revisit all those states that I traveled to in the last presidential election. And while I’m there, I’ll of course want to visit all those delegates that I got to know so well and recapture those great times we all had on the election trail.

Whatever I finally decide to do with my life, I know that my family will always come first. In fact, I’m hoping in a few years to make them what I like to call my First Family.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

2009 Asks For A Do-over

At a recent hastily called news conference, the year 2009 called for a do-over. A transcript of the event follows:

Thank you all for coming today. I know that with all the negative things going on recently, it wasn’t easy to get here. So I appreciate the efforts you have made and for those who couldn’t make it due to record-breaking traffic, unprecedented bad weather or imminent plague, my apologies.

I’ve called this press conference to ask for a favor. Like you, I haven’t been happy at all with the nature of recent events and, frankly, I’m tired of taking all the blame. That’s why today I am formally asking for a do-over.

What with the tanking global economy, the ongoing wars around the world and this spreading swine flu business, things have admittedly been pretty bad. Believe me, that wasn’t my intention back on January 1st when I started out of the gate.

Despite the shaky end to 2008, I had high hopes that I could "ring in" the New Year on a positive note. Little did I know that 2008 left me with enough hidden time bombs to sink a whole fleet of ships.

I’m not saying I’m blameless in all that’s happened so far. But you have to realize that I was left with a pretty sad picture. I don’t want to spend all my time trashing those who came before me, but you have to admit that 2008 was pretty bad.

Nevertheless, blaming my predecessor for today’s problems only goes so far. After all, I’ve had my share of surprises that popped up all on their own like those Somali pirates, that new album from Britney Spears and Dick Cheney asking for more transparency in government that I can’t really blame on anybody else. The question is how to deal with what appears to be a deteriorating situation.

If I could just get the temporal equivalent of a mulligan, I think we can get past this unpleasantness and start anew. Otherwise, I risk becoming another 1918, 1930 or 1968 and, trust me, nobody wants that.

So let’s forget this crazy year ever happened. Take two, roll again, replay, start over. How about you let me try again on July 1st? We’ll call that 2009 and I’ll do my best to get it right this time. OK?