At a recent hastily called news conference, the year 2009 called for a do-over. A transcript of the event follows:
Thank you all for coming today. I know that with all the negative things going on recently, it wasn’t easy to get here. So I appreciate the efforts you have made and for those who couldn’t make it due to record-breaking traffic, unprecedented bad weather or imminent plague, my apologies.
I’ve called this press conference to ask for a favor. Like you, I haven’t been happy at all with the nature of recent events and, frankly, I’m tired of taking all the blame. That’s why today I am formally asking for a do-over.
What with the tanking global economy, the ongoing wars around the world and this spreading swine flu business, things have admittedly been pretty bad. Believe me, that wasn’t my intention back on January 1st when I started out of the gate.
Despite the shaky end to 2008, I had high hopes that I could "ring in" the New Year on a positive note. Little did I know that 2008 left me with enough hidden time bombs to sink a whole fleet of ships.
I’m not saying I’m blameless in all that’s happened so far. But you have to realize that I was left with a pretty sad picture. I don’t want to spend all my time trashing those who came before me, but you have to admit that 2008 was pretty bad.
Nevertheless, blaming my predecessor for today’s problems only goes so far. After all, I’ve had my share of surprises that popped up all on their own like those Somali pirates, that new album from Britney Spears and Dick Cheney asking for more transparency in government that I can’t really blame on anybody else. The question is how to deal with what appears to be a deteriorating situation.
If I could just get the temporal equivalent of a mulligan, I think we can get past this unpleasantness and start anew. Otherwise, I risk becoming another 1918, 1930 or 1968 and, trust me, nobody wants that.
So let’s forget this crazy year ever happened. Take two, roll again, replay, start over. How about you let me try again on July 1st? We’ll call that 2009 and I’ll do my best to get it right this time. OK?