Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Phelps Retracts

In a surprise about-face, Michael Phelps has retracted his recent public apology. Upon further reflection, it appears that the Olympic gold medallist was not sorry at all about getting caught smoking pot.

"I’ve had some time to think about it," said Phelps. "And I’ve decided that it was hypocritical of me to apologize for taking a couple of hits off a bong. The long and the short of it is, I like smoking pot."

It turns out, however, that the champion swimmer may have had another reason to backtrack on his earlier mea culpa. Questioned about his current endorsement contracts, Phelps was initially somewhat circumspect about discussing details.

"I’m sorry that Kellogg’s no longer wants to have me as their spokesman," he said. "But, let’s just say, I’ve recently managed to snag a few lucrative deals to replace them."

Inside sources have revealed that Phelps will soon be the public face of a whole slew of edible products from Cheetos to Oreos to Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

"I can’t really comment until the deals have been finalized," said Phelps. "But you have to admit that they all make a perfect fit with my newly-revealed lifestyle."

Negotiations are also ongoing with other makers of consumer products such asApple’s iTunes, Zig Zag rolling papers and an undisclosed Chinese manufacturer of lava lamps.

"Quite frankly," said Phelps. "I hadn’t really thought through the upside of me just being me. Sure, I like corn flakes but not that much. At least not until I put some chocolate sprinkles and mini-marshmallows on them and I’ve had a toke or two, if you know what I mean."

Preliminary discussions have reportedly also begun with manufacturers of various speciality products.

"Until all this apology business happened," said Phelps. "I would never have considered endorsing some things. Take Visine, for example. I’m a competitive swimmer, you know, and swimming pools are full of chlorinated water. Who better than a champion swimmer to endorse something to get the red out?"

No word yet on any offers from Betty Crocker brownie mix.

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