Study Me

I’m pleased to report that I’m on the cutting edge of healthcare. If you haven’t heard, the latest medical study concludes that men who take three half-hour naps a week have a 37% reduced likelihood of developing heart disease.

Let’s just say I wasn’t surprised. Given my napping frequency, I figure my chances of getting a heart attack are about the same as winning the lottery.

But this isn’t the first time I’ve been ahead of the curve on healthy living. As you’ll recall, a previous study revealed that two glasses of red wine per day is salutary. I’ve been on that plan for years. In fact, I’ve often been a practitioner of the accelerated version of that regimen.

Various studies have also shown the beneficial health effects of dog ownership. I, of course,
already knew that. Ever since my wife acquired a Portuguese Water Dog, I’ve definitely felt better. I’m not sure why but I have to assume her two daily walks with Oreo have done wonders for my health.

Given my prescient track record to date, I think I can save the health research community a lot of time and effort by outlining what future studies would undoubtedly reveal. For example, if I am the canary in the healthy lifestyle coal mine, it should be apparent that there’s a definite correlation between TV viewing and longevity. Save the bucks spent on expensive studies and take if from me: three hours a day in front of the tube will add years to your life. And if my experience is any guide (and I’m sure it is), you’ll get bonus years for spending that TV viewing time lying down.

Medical researchers may be surprised to learn that regular lack of exercise is another key element of a healthy lifestyle. Again, if my experience is any indication (and I have no reason to doubt that it is), a minimum of sixty minutes of concerted, non-aerobic indolence per day will likely result in a longer or, at the very least, happier life.

Counterintuitive as it may seem, my dietary history spells health with a capital H. No need to set up studies of hundreds of subjects when it’s clear that my food intake leads to an extended lifespan. Because if those studies were carried out, what they would surely reveal is that my CH diet is the best. CH diet as in chips, cheese, chocolate and chili. If it starts with the letters "ch", you simply can’t get enough of it including takeout Chinese and Chunky Monkey ice cream.

There are dozens of other studies that could be conducted. But why bother when I already know the results? Drink beer, eat steak and stay up late. Stay indoors, avoid chores and play poker on-line. Wear sweat pants, scratch yourself and burp frequently.

I know it sounds crazy but, trust me, these are the keys to healthy living. And if you can get someone else to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and shovel the driveway, you don’t need a study to conclude that’s good for your health. At least I don’t. And if you can convince your spouse, neither should you.