As most people know, Don Imus is out of work. After making a racially insensitive comment on his highly-rated syndicated radio show, he was fired by CBS boss Les Moonves. As to what will become of Mr. Imus, recent events suggest the following career path:
April 29, 2007
An obviously inebriated Don Imus was arrested early this morning by a New York City police officer. Notwithstanding that the officer was male and white, Imus repeatedly shouted at him to: "Get your filthy hands off me, you nappy-headed ho!"
May 1, 2007
At a hastily called press conference, a sullen and contrite Don Imus announced that he was checking himself into the Jackson-Sharpton Racial Sensitivity Clinic in Philadelphia. Mr. Imus promised to devote himself full-time to his rehabilitation but could not refrain from wittily observing that: "On the whole, I’d actually rather not be in Philadelphia."
June 4, 2007
Imus leaves the Jackson-Sharpton facility claiming that he is a changed man and that he has been racially reborn. Accompanied by the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton, Mr. Imus leaves on a whirlwind, 12-city "Resurrection Tour."
July 15, 2007
Mel Gibson announces that he will begin filming on "The Don Imus Story" in two weeks. Based on the rise, fall and redemption of the one-time top-rated radio talk show host, Gibson’s movie will also feature depictions of several violent and bloody encounters between Imus and his legion of critics.
Imus makes the rounds of the talk show circuit including Leno, Letterman and a repeat appearance on Al Sharpton’s radio show. The tour culminates in an appearance on "Oprah" where the queen of daytime television declares Mr. Imus sufficiently repentant and fully cured.
September 30, 2007
Don Imus appears in Los Angeles with director Mel Gibson for the world premiere of "Ho-rrible: The Don Imus Story." The movie receives widespread critical praise and does boffo box office.
November 12, 2007
CBS announces that it is reviving "Imus in the Morning" with a brand new racially sensitive format. Don Imus appears at a CBS press conference to confirm that his new show will be a moral guidepost for America’s radio listeners.
January 1, 2008
Don Imus kicks off the new year with the first episode of his restructured radio show. Segments include "Today’s Prayer", "Inappropriate Racial Epithets" and "Clean Joke of the Day."
January 23, 2008
CBS quietly cancels "Imus in the Morning" in view of some of the lowest ratings ever recorded in syndicated radio. Don Imus spotted staggering drunk in Times Square calling for that "nappy-headed ho" Les Moonves to come out and fight like a man.