Rrroll Up The Rim

It’s that time of year when Canadians join together in our sacred rite of spring. That’s right; it’s the annual "Rrroll up the rim to win" contest at Tim Hortons.

Like most Canadians, I’m a fan of Tim Hortons but I have to say that I’m not always pleased with the various prizes on offer. I’d like to see some different items and apparently some of my fellow Canadian coffee drinkers agree:

Stephen Harper
"I’m fine with the hybrid car, of course. After all, if the latest budget passes, I should be able to pocket a $2,000 rebate. But what I’d really like to see under that rim is a few more seats in Ontario and Québec."

Stéphane Dion
"If I roll up the rim, there’s only one thing I really, really want: a few more election-free months to avoid a Tory landslide."

Jack Layton
"Tim Hortons is a fine Canadian institution. But in keeping with my party’s philosophy, I think everyone should be a winner. After all, we only want for our fellow citizens what we want for ourselves. In my case, that’s another minority government."

Gilles Duceppe
"I don’t really care what I win so long as you give me a double-double and keep the coffee and cream separate."

Michael Ignatieff
"A spring election. Can that be one of the premiums? The sooner my good friend Stéphane loses, the sooner I can claim my rightful place as the leader of the Liberal Party. If not, then one of those iPod nanos would be nice."

Jean Charest
"Nothing, really. Thanks to my new best friend Stephen Harper, I’ve got everything I need. Just don’t tell Alberta!"

Conrad Black
"Yes, a big-screen TV would be great. But where I’m going, I could sure use something like a comfy pillow or a gold-plated shiv. Ideally, I’d like to win one of those "get out of jail free" cards."

Barbara Amiel
"The last thing I need is a free donut. You think it’s easy maintaining this great figure? If those sluts behind the counter want to do me a favor, they should offer some real prizes like a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a Gucci bag or a week in Tahiti and Bora Bora."

Don Cherry
"Who needs some wimpy Japanese hybrid car? Just give me a Dougie Gilmour or a Bobby Orr. God, I love those guys! And while you’re at it, how about a Stanley Cup for Toronto?"