Mike Duffy, Intrepid Reporter
Given his extensive reportorial career, Mike Duffy has apparently been hired by his old bosses at CTV News to get to the bottom of the latest Senate scandal:
“Good evening to you, too, Sandie, and thanks for having me back on the evening news. As you might imagine, I’m a little strapped for cash right now and payment for tonight’s report will be very helpful indeed. However, if it’s all the same to you, Sandie, I’d like to get paid in cash. It’s not that I have anything against personal cheques but my lawyer tells me cash would definitely be preferable at this point in time.
“As for this latest story concerning the Canadian Senate, I’m pleased to say that it is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot and certainly not a bull in a china shop as some have characterized it. Thankfully, I happen to be an actual, honest-to-goodness senator so that gives me an insider’s perspective on the matter.
“Some folks have claimed that a Senator Mike Duffy falsely claimed out-of-province living expenses for his Ottawa residence. A quick check of the Senate rolls reveals that there is only one senator named Mike Duffy and that’s me. Thus, I’m in a perfect position to investigate the various allegations and refute them with force and finality.
“My sources (i.e. - me) revealed that I am a permanent resident of Prince Edward Island or at least a permanent resident for the purposes of claiming living expenses elsewhere. I have repeatedly interviewed my primary source (i.e. - me) and he has assured me that his P.E.I. residence is not merely a cottage and he does not simply “summer” there. Beyond that, I considered it an invasion of privacy to have him reveal further details.
“In addition to my source’s transparency and honesty, it is worth noting his loyalty and patriotism. Despite his obvious innocence, in order to spare the government and a few of his Senate colleagues from further unwarranted harassment by the media, he agreed to give back the expense money paid to him notwithstanding his 100% entitlement to same.
“As I recently said to my colleague and former reporter friend Pamela Wallin, ethical clarity and aboveboard financial dealings are the hallmark of the field of journalism. Unfortunately, Ms. Wallin was not available for comment but I’m sure she would agree.
“There are also reports that during the last federal election, Mike Duffy submitted Senate expense claims while campaigning for Conservative candidates. Thanks to my close relationship with the subject, I was able to determine that Mr. Duffy did, in fact, make some Senate-related claims during that period but that is simply due to his marvelous and awe-inspiring ability to multitask.
“Just because the ordinary citizen cannot campaign for a candidate, conduct Senate business and be in P.E.I. all at the same time doesn’t mean Mike Duffy can’t. Rather, we should celebrate the extraordinary abilities of this senator and give thanks as Canadian citizens that we are getting full value for our tax dollars.
“Finally, there is the matter of the personal cheque for $90,000 given to Mike Duffy (i.e. - me) by Stephen Harper’s chief of staff Nigel Wright. Again, after a detailed investigation, there appears to be no story here.
“Mr. Wright has been a friend of Mr. Duffy’s for many days and several sources (including me, Nigel and Stephen) insist that there was nothing untoward, unseemly or unethical about this loan/advance/gift. In fact, Nigel said not to worry about it and Stephen said not to call him again....ever.
“This is Mike Duffy reporting from Parliament Hill. Back to you, Sandie.”