Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Who's Naughty or Nice

Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus here and I want to answer some special letters I received this Christmas season. It’s not just kids who write me looking for presents, you know. This year I got some written requests from a few grownups, too.
Although Santa tries to get every kid who writes to him a present that he or she really wants, that same rule doesn’t always apply to these older correspondents. More often than not, I find it’s better to give them something they actually need.

Barack Obama
Ever since he was a little boy in Indonesia, Barack has been asking to live in a big white house. I finally managed to make that one happen for him but now he’s asking for everything under the sun like a Democratic-controlled Congress and a five percent unemployment rate. Hey, I’m Santa, not a miracle worker. There’s only so much I can do. But I do know what Barack needs and that’s why this Christmas I’m going to bring him a kick in the pants, a stiffer spine and a crazy Republican presidential nominee.

Hillary Clinton
I remember Hillary when she went by the name of Rodham which was right up to 1992, as I recall. Anyway, poor Hillary has not always gotten what she wanted for Christmas including the Democratic nomination in 2008 and a faithful husband. But that doesn’t mean that this is her year. I know she’d like to see her boss trip up and take a political face-plant but I’m going to save her best present for 2016.

Mitt Romney
Little Mitt has had it pretty easy all these years. His dad was the head of American Motors and the governor of Michigan so he got just about everything he wanted. That included the governorship of Massachusetts and a cushy corporate gig. Now he says he wants the Republican nomination. Before he gets that gift, however, I think he needs a few other things like a personality de-stiffener, a consistent platform and maybe a new style of underwear.

Newt Gingrich
I’ve known Newt since he was knee-high to a grasshopper which, ironically, makes a great meal for a newt. It’s been hard trying to keep up with his Christmas wishes over the years since he keeps changing his mind on such things as ethical standards, consulting contracts and wives. Now he says he wants to run the whole dang country. This year, however, I think I’m just going to give him what he really needs: a daily dose of humility and a five-second delay when speaking.

Ron Paul
From the moment he could talk, little Ronnie was the odd child. He never wanted more; he always wanted less. As in less government, less spending, less foreign involvement. Now he’s actually asking me for something more, namely the Republican presidential nomination. Before I can do that, however, I’m going to have to get him a moderate platform and a whole new personality. Until then, he’ll have to make do this year with a leather-bound collection of the works of Ayn Rand.

Rick Perry
At least there’s one guy whose wants are the same as his needs. That’s why I’ll be putting a one-way ticket back to Austin in Rick Perry’s stocking this Christmas.

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