Sunday, March 06, 2011

Will and Kate Do Hollywood

TO: David Cameron, Prime Minister, 10 Downing Street, London, England
FROM: Swifty Emanuel, Public Relations Agent, Hollywood, California
RE: Proposed Will and Kate P. R. Campaign

Hi Dave,

Good talking to you the other day. Hope all is well in jolly old England.
As for our discussion, there are almost two months to go until the royal wedding. So far, Will and Kate have done their best to keep their names in the news. But recently, I think you’ll have to admit, they’ve grown a bit desperate in their attempts. For example, the best they could do last week was a return visit to their old alma mater St. Andrews University and the christening of a lifeboat somewhere in Wales.
Thankfully, I’ve assembled a crack team of our best public relations agents and will be flying them in from Hollywood to rescue the situation. Headed by me, the team has already scheduled a bunch of events this week to halt the unfolding disaster and is quickly working on an agenda to fill the gap until April 29th, the date of the royal wedding.
Tomorrow will be wall-to-wall Will and Kate as they appear on every breakfast TV show from London to L. A. to give their take on Sunday’s Oscar winners. Not only will this help demonstrate the couple’s "common touch", it will provide plenty of opportunities to mention the royal wedding and, in particular, the date.
Later this week, the royal-couple-to-be will be live blogging on preparations for their wedding date. The British duo will be available to online visitors to answer questions on everything from Kate’s dress to the wedding dinner menu to the couple’s favorite sexual positions. Those interested can log on to
We’re proposing a geographical approach for our clients for the month of March. Week one will center European visits, week two will feature the Orient and week three has the couple touring South America.
The end-of-March "Royal Tour America" will end with a flurry of late-night talk show guest appearances on April 1st. Kate plans to do the L. A. circuit including Leno and Ferguson while Will tackles the New York scene with spots on Letterman and Fallon. No word yet on whether the couple will join up later for a tag-team interview by Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer and, if we can swing it, Larry King but we’re definitely in the final stages of negotiations.
April presents a challenge as there is a real risk that public interest in the nuptials will begin to wane. To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of penciling in Prince William’s bachelor party for the second Saturday in April. Tentatively slated for Las Vegas, this grand bash will be hosted by none other than William’s party-savvy brother, Prince Harry. The party will be open to the public and is scheduled for the entire weekend. I’m going to assume that despite Harry’s past predilections, no hookers or recreational drugs will be included.
As April unfolds, the campaign is planning to ramp up the excitement even more. There will be daily radio phone-in giveaways of free tickets to the wedding and the reception. Some lucky folks will even win an all-expenses-paid trip to London to join in the wedding rehearsal and meet Will and Kate at the rehearsal dinner.
I think you’ll agree, Dave, that this campaign will be a winner and I have no doubt that your little country will be able to do "boffo box office" as we say here in California. Let me know what you think and I await final approval of our proposal to have Oprah officiate at the wedding. If she has to be temporarily appointed the Archbishop of Canterbury for the weekend, so be it.

Ta-ta and cheerio,
Your pal Swifty
Don't forget to check out my new book "Dare to be Average" at

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