Wednesday, December 01, 2010

WikiLeaks Leaks

"A massive document WikiLeaks.....sent shock waves around the globe.....America’s allies, including Canada, were braced for unflattering and embarrassing revelations....."
- The Globe and Mail - November 28, 2010

Later this week, it’s expected that WikiLeaks will feature some internal communications about Canada from officials at the U. S. Embassy in Ottawa. However, WikiLeaks apparently has its own security problems and pre-publication leaks have already revealed the following potentially embarrassing communiques from American diplomats based in our nation’s capital:

November 28, 2010
A football team called the Montreal Hallowets (sp.?) today defeated another team called – get this – the Saskatchewan Roughriders (seriously!). Someone in Washington should probably pass on congratulations. But be sure not to insult what they call "Canadian football." Apparently the field is bigger or measured in meters or something and they get a single point for kicking the ball in the end zone. Try to keep a straight face when they call it football.

November 17, 2010
Prime Minister Harper (he’s the chubby one with no sense of humor) has announced that Canadian troops will leave Afghanistan in 2011. He sounds serious but not to worry. He’ll likely backtrack so long as we don’t publicly pressure him. Remember, this is the guy who was ready to send Canadian troops to Iraq. He’s one of the good guys, albeit not that bright.

November 5, 2010
Canadians are celebrating the fact that their dollar is on par with ours. They call theirs the loonie which seems appropriate since this is hardly something they should be celebrating. But don’t disabuse them of the notion. Pretend we’re ticked off although we all know that it’s really going to help our balance of payments problem. Silly Canucks.

June 9, 2010
The Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup by defeating another American team, the Philadelphia Flyers, in six games. Best to avoid mention of this to the locals as no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since 1993. Canadians like to think hockey is their game. Best to say nothing so as not to upset them unless you want to hear an hour-long harangue.

October 30, 1995
Well, we tried but the "Yes" side narrowly lost the Quebec referendum. Here’s hoping that Chretien fellow annoys Quebecers again so they’ll hold another separation vote soon. Nothing like a divided Canada to finally help us realize our 200-year-old dream of a truly continental United States. Fifty-Four Forty or Fight, eh?

October 26, 1993
You won’t believe who got elected prime minister yesterday. Jean Chretien! Crazy wild, huh? Anyway, everyone says this is good news for us since he sounds like a real doofus and should be easily swayed if, say, we need help some day to invade a middle eastern country on a whim.

March 17, 1985
Don’t know much about this clown Mulroney but it looks like POTUS has got him wrapped around his little finger. He sang "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" with Reagan and it looked like he was ready to dance with him, too. Looks like we can get just about anything we want from this joker, maybe even a free trade deal.

February 15, 1968
Rumor has it that some guy named Pierre Trudeau will be running for the leadership of the Liberal Party (they’re the ones in power right now). He’s currently the Minister of Justice, a real lightweight and possibly a commie sympathizer. Inside sources say not to worry though since there’s no way he can defeat favorites like Paul Martin, Robert Winters and Paul Hellyer.

March 4, 1966
You know that gal Gerda Munsinger we hired as a triple agent? Well she’s paying off big time. Seems like some high level Canadian bozo slept with her and all hell has broken loose. Best to stick to the story that she’s an East German playgirl and KGB spy. What a laugh!
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1 comment:


The list of "critical infrastructure" to US security? Please, all the terrorists really need to know is that 2 cm of snow is enough to bring most Western countries to their knees.