A Team Of Rivals

With each passing day of President-elect Obama’s transition period, it’s becoming more and more clear that he is determined to create a so-called "team of rivals." Modelled on Abraham Lincoln’s antebellum Cabinet, Obama’s new team includes not only intra-party rivals like Hillary Clinton and Bill Richardson but even holdovers from the current Bush administration like Defense Secretary Robert Gates. But rumor has it that Obama intends to go further than Lincoln ever did, much further as evidenced by these upcoming rumored choices:

Bill Clinton
The former President has reportedly been approached to accept a new White House position: Alpha Dog. Given Mr. Clinton’s past experience in the field of domestic affairs, he is expected to become Washington’s new Prince of Philandering, a veritable King of the Couch. For all matters sexual, Obama subordinates can look to the new Alpha Dog for answers.

John McCain
There is definitely no love lost between these fierce campaign rivals. Yet Barack Obama has already met with the aging Arizona senator with a view to smoothing over their differences. Those present at that meeting report that Obama offered McCain the official new White House position of Grumpy Old Man. "When the neighborhood kids throw a ball on the White House lawn or some young paperboy makes an errant throw," said Obama. "It’ll be John’s job to scare them off with a harsh word or two."

George W. Bush
Like most new presidents, Barack Obama wants to seek advice and counsel from former occupants of the office. Unlike most of this predecessors, however, Obama also needs a diversion in these troubled economic times. That’s why he’s asking George W. Bush to stay on in The White House as the new Chief Fool and Court Jester. Whenever things go awry, Obama hopes to present Mr. Bush in public and remind Americans how much worse things could be.

Dick Cheney
Actually, President-elect Obama hasn’t offered the former Vice President a formal position in his Administration. Instead, he has unilaterally appointed Mr. Cheney to be the head of the Guantanamo Bay military prison dismantling team. Before commencing work, however, Mr. Cheney apparently has been directed to personally inspect and occupy the premises for two to four years.

Sarah Palin
Given the increasing diplomatic tensions with Russia of late, the President-elect is hoping to rely on any available expertise in international relations. To that end, Obama has asked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to take up residence at the very tip of the Aleutian Islands chain where she can keep an eye on any angry Russians that might be rearing their heads over the horizon. When asked whether she is up for the challenge, Governor Palin simply replied: "Doggone it. You betcha!"

As of yet, there is still no word on possible positions in Mr. Obama’s Administration for Jesse Jackson, William Ayers and Reverend Wright.